Dressing to Please Yourself
Within seconds of seeing us, people make assumptions about our financial situation, sense of humor, education level, socioeconomic status, happiness level etc. We all know that’s true but at our age and in this era of wearing what we like, how many of you feel pressure to conform? Do you let other’s perceptions affect your fashion choices? Even in a subtle way? Do you dress to please yourself without concern about how you are seen?
I asked a question on my Facebook page, (do you follow me there?) earlier this week which sparked a lively discussion. I asked, “What does frumpy look like to you?” Notice I said look like to you. Not feel like.
Women mentioned brands and types of garments they think look frumpy. There were lots of generalities but few made the connection personal. Some mentioned things which other women defended as not frumpy.
It’s not surprising to read how vehemently women feel about looking frumpy. It’s not a look many women would intentionally put together. There was no consensus and opinions varied widely which demonstrates why frumpy is one of those things that’s hard to describe, but you certainly know it when you see it.
If dressing and feeling frumpy is the terminal look no woman wants for herself, (and that certainly appears to be the case) what would or could cause you to feel frumpy?
Could another woman style a garment you think of as frumpy and make it look chic?
What role does your confidence play in appearing frumpy to others?
Does your size play a role in whether you feel or appear frumpy?
If you don’t feel frumpy, do you care if others see you as frumpy?
Please share your thoughts. Be kind and thoughtful in your comments because this is a sensitive topic for many of us.
I can answer this easily because I looked frumpy yesterday. It was because I desperately wanted to wear a new short sleeve yellow top even though the temp was in the 30’s. What went wrong – I layered a longish cardigan over the top. Then I topped that with a short jacket. Added a too big scarf. And athletic shoes. I am 5’2″. The layers hanging out and the gym shoes looked frumpy. I’m also starting to question scarves. They just swallow me up.
Over the past several years, I have added several scarves of all sizes to wear with certain outfits and I have noticed that oversized scarves also swallow me up. Short and medium size thin fabric ones look fine. But the bulky ones draped right under my jawline look like I have a tiny head and instead accentuate my generous sized chest and make me look like I am at least 5 pounds heavier than what I am. To me that is instant frump!
I guess I AM frumpy! I think I am in the stage of just not caring right now. Taking care of a ageing parent and dealing with chronic autoimmune disease myself hasn’t left me much time or energy to spruce myself up. But, I know it’s past time to get out of this stage. Thanks ladies for the nudge in that direction. Thanks you Jennifer for all your good suggestions too.
Please give yourself credit for this daunting, exhausting and important work.Few are strong enough to be up to the task. You are not frumpy.You are as woman warrior with very important work. I am with you, sister. Been there. Still am there.
Pardon the autocorrect errors please.
I looked up the definition of “frumpy” and found “dowdy and old fashioned” and “the opposite of stylish”…Also “A female with lack of concern for appearance. Often characterized by sweatpants, frizzy hair, gramma panties and a paisty complexion.” (Typos are not mine – this one came from Google – Urban dictionary. ) In winter, I guess you could say my complexion at times could be called “pasty” (correct spelling) – Webster defines this as “resembling paste…pallid and unhealthy in appearance”. Geez….No WONDER people are touchy about “frumpy”! Let me see – I wear sweatpants. I wear “granny panties”. I can appear “pasty” at times (gray/silver hair, too!) BUT – I really do not consider myself frumpy! My 30 year old daughter is quick to point out to me when she sees something that is not my best look – a lipstick shade, outfit or “Mama, your hair looks so much better when you style it the OTHER way”…She’s got my back! There’s a saying in the South – “There’s a fine line between tacky and trashy”. Maybe there is that same fine line between “frumpy and comfy”? Reading the other ladies comments, they seem to have defined it for their own selves. And I suppose that’s what we should keep in mind – constantly evaluating our look and attitude to stay current! And just because I wear “granny panties”, does NOT mean I’m frumpy! 🙂
‘fine line between frumpy and comfy’ Cute!!
How could anyone possibly know what kind of panties you wear?? Or care??
I wear granny panties, too! Bikinis/hipsters feel as if they’re about to always fall off—and there’s nothing sexy about those or, the worst, g-strings!!!
I agree with the others. When my grandmother started wearing pants and tops instead of dresses in the 70’s, I remember thinking how ordinary and dull she looked, somehow she lost her “spark”. Maybe loosing our spark, is the first step to frumpy. The bigger question is why as a society are we choosing to downgrade/ casualize our look?
I’ve also thought about why dress has become more casual. I think that economics certainly is a contributing factor. In the USA, wages have been stagnant since the early 70s. The cost of consumer goods has gone down, but the cost of education, housing, transportation, food, and insurance has not. The dot com boom and the dominance of young men in the tech sector also have contributed. I think I’ve in the last two centuries, we have certainly been a much more casual. I enjoy public television and have often marveled at historical series placed in a time where some men wore nicer pants and vests to do manual labor. I think the trend is a global one.
That’s an excellent question. I wish we weren’t heading that direction.
“If you don’t feel frumpy, do you care if others see you as frumpy?” HELL NO!
Bravo
I certainly try to look my best when I go out and find that a stylish jacket can project that image.
I feel frumpy in my clothes when I perceive they do not fit right. In my mind, the colors may be off, or the style is not to my liking, or I am just tired of a certain look. The individual pieces of the outfit my be great, but not the way I may have put them together. So appreciate the views given by Jennifer and others on this blog to open my eyes to fresh looks, and be confident, not frumpy!
I believe ‘frumpiness is in the eye of the beholder’ regarding style, but also agree with multiple readers who said things like ‘baggy, ill-fitting’clothing or ‘dirty, worn-out’ pieces project frumpiness. I have seen looks on other women from time to time that I would feel frumpy in – although they carried them off beautifully. Ultimately it come down to how you feel when you look in the mirror. What message does your look convey to you? Does it make you feel/ look confident, dressed for the occasion, approachable? I am blessed to have a group of women in my life who have helped me to ‘up my game’ (albeit slowly! ????); they’ve taught me that I’m worth taking the time to think about what I want to wear and how I project myself to others. That may sound like a ‘no brainer’ to many women but for some of us it is a lifetime struggle to ‘feel worthy’. I can usually tell when another woman has taken the time to put herself together and feels good about how she presents herself to the world, too.
I agree. It’s very personal. One woman’s frumpy could be a another woman’s comfy.
Frumpy to me is looking like you just don’t care. Oversized clothes, worn out, stained. And for goodness sakes, put on a good bra. I totally agree with Marnell that in general, we have become too lazy in how we dress and our self-care routines. This is a great topic for me today as I am preparing for a move and need to purge my closet. I will be ruthless!
I agree with Lisa G. that with my newly natural colored hair, makeup is a must. And, it’s a different makeup than I previously used. I’m still searching for lip colors that I love with my new hair coloring. I have always worn mascara, but didn’t start using eye liner until my 60s!
I feel that I am always on the border of frumpy because I love my clothing to be soft, comfortable, and somewhat flowy. To avoid the frump factor, I try to limit the amount of “flow” in an outfit to just one piece. Also, the colors of clothing that I like can read frumpy. I wear soft colors for accents and neutrals. I now prefer to wear mostly neutrals with smaller amounts of accent colors. Too much soft pink or soft lavender starts to up the frump factor for me.
Frumpy to my mind is looking out of style, not bothering to enhance your appearance. A few years ago I hosted a family reunion and wore a paisley shapeless dress. Was glad there were few pics of me that day. Looking at the few, reminded me of my grandmother who at 75 to 80 wore shapeless dresses.Can’t wear that dress now. I like to add pizzazz to my wardrobe. I like the comments about not judging.So important to dress to feel good about oneself. Though a touchy sibject, thanks for bringing it up, Jennifer!
We must dress to please ourselves first and foremost.
I can not tell you exactly what looks frumpy. I think it is different for each person depending on your size and shape. I know when I try something on if it looks frumpy or not. I know that flowery, oversized things and prints are not the best for me. I am 5’ 3” so solids and more tailored and slim fitting items suit me best. I also do not leave the house without doing my hair and putting on my make-up.
What an interesting topic! I always dress to my own personal style, and have never felt frumpy in my life. Why are men not described as frumpy? I see lots of men who are dowdy, out of date and sloppy dressers LOL
Good question. Is this phrase reserved for women only?
Yes, it is. I have never heard of a frumpy man. Time to stop using judgmental, ageist language against other women and ourselves. We are not ornaments. We are 21st century citizens. We have intrinsic value beyond our age and looks. Yet still, harsh judgment is meted out for age and looks. We deserve better as women of experience.
I have seem men that appear frumpy too
I have found with my now natural silver/white hair at 58 that make up is a must. Mostly mascara which I did without for most of my adult life! Skimping on those final finishing steps leaves me feeling like I look older than my years. Oversized clothes can also make me feel frumpy and not as confident. Hard to describe that feeling or look of frumpy, but you know it when you see it! Thanks for this topic of discussion.
I have a hard time describing it but I know it when I feel it
Frumpy to me is anything that doesn’t fit, worn out and stained. Dirty shoes, rubber flip flops and old gym sneakers. And don’t get me started on “give away t-shirt” Anyone can wear leggings and a t-shirt regardless of size or shape or age. Tie a scarf or throw on a long necklace.. no more frump, you look finished. On me personally, midi length skirts. Maxi is beautiful on me and still some shorter lengths. Put me in a midi or, even worse, a midi with pleats… big no.
I understand personal style, I get that we shouldn’t be judged by our clothes, but we are. If I want peace and quiet and not be pestered by pushy sales people, I dress the part of not looking like I can afford it. But we have become too lazy in our dress, and in our valuable self care routines, and honestly, I believe that it effects our mental state and eventually leads to self destructive thoughts of self, fostering low self esteem, further leading to self destructive thoughts and opinions of others. I reference the person who says to a skinny woman “go eat a sandwich” as a horrible example. If we feel good about ourselves we are less likely to project our negative comments on others.
Jennifer I follow your Facebook page but this latest discussion never came up on my feed. For me frumpy is sloppy and not well groomed. I always style my hair and put on a little makeup everyday. Some days I do stay in yoga pants and sneakers but everything is matching and neat looking. I don’t think that’s frumpy. Frumpy is just not caring and it could apply to any age . I have also seen some frumpy men!
I dress for an audience of one….ME..I select my clothes with one design in mind to make me happy…No second guessing…no does this meet my age…no is this over-dressed…Just…does this make me happy..Do I look in the mirror and smile…I have been a long time coming to this place..It feels good…smile…
As for defining frumpy..that is just too subjective…I wouldn’t dare to say wearing this is frumpy or that hair style is frumpy…or whatever…We are all just trying to make it in whatever way we choose…
Thank you
For me, feeling ‘frumpy’ is wearing sweats and no make-up which I ONLY do around the house in the winter, some days. Otherwise, I NEVER leave the house without make-up and looking nice….whether I’m headed to church or the grocery store. My one pet peeve is that NO ONE dresses nicely to go to church anymore…at least not where we go! It’s jeans and sweat shirts, etc. I refuse to do that so I’m sure everyone considers me ‘over dressed.’ Everything is so casual now, everywhere you go, so I’m sure most of the women don’t feel like they look frumpy when actually, they do! This is just my opinion.
I totally agree with you!
So far, in my early 70s and retired, I am trying to keep my hair and skin in top,notch condition…no short roller curls here, but a mid short bob type cut. Next, my weight has crept up 5 pounds, mainly around the waist , so trying all of Jennifer’s and other bloggers suggestions— to hide those extra pounds. I’ve also joined yoga and tai chi and walking more to keep myself somewhat fit! I eat very healthily and have for decades, so that’s not my problem. It’s about being more sedentary…must move more!
Frumpy would be too large clothes, disheveled appearances. I hope to never let myself get to that point.