Are You Authentic? Who Gets to Choose?
What makes you authentic and who gets to decide? I can guarantee you it isn’t someone else’s perception of what you should do or be. Nor is it another woman’s opinion of how you should look. This week I’ve run across a few instances of women justifying their personal choices, by taking swipes at other women. Comments and declarations that dig, judge and criticize. What’s up with that? Who is looking insecure when that happens?
I’ve read several places this week that if you’re a woman who colors your gray hair, you’re not authentic. You’re hiding something or trying to look younger. You’re hoping to trick people into thinking something about you that isn’t true.
Does that mean I shouldn’t shave my underarms and legs or pluck my eyebrows and chin hair? Am I trying to fool people when I do that? How about when I wear things that make me appear slimmer? How far can you stretch that stupidity?
I’m not coloring my hair look younger. I’m doing it to improve my appearance. My gray hair is silver and it’s washing my complexion out. I use lowlights to add contrast and make me look better.
To me.
For me.
Because that’s what matters. How I feel about how I look!
If you want to go gray, bravo. It’s your choice and none of my business. Your choice does not make you more authentic than I am. It just makes you, you.
Come on ladies, let’s support each other.
What do you think?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Yes this topic always gets people talking. I think it’s very much a personal choice that has NOTHING to do with being authentic or not, a feminist or not, professional or not etc. Both choices are good. I wrote about this earlier too and found that women are split 50/50 when asked the question To gray or not to gray? http://40plusstyle.com/to-grey-or-not-to-grey/
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and there are so many different ways to be physically beautiful, so each to their own! This post made me think of an excerpt from Marianne Faithfull’s biography – where tells of undergoing a professional ‘make-over’ which included a grey rinse through her blonde hair and clothing choices that were far too conservative for her personality! Needless to say, the ‘make-over’ was a failure. Advice can be very useful but ultimately we have to feel comfortable that the choices made for us are the right ones for us – and not someone imposing their aesthetic ideal on us. Put simply, for most of us if ‘we think we look good, we feel good’ – and who doesn’t want to feel good – life’s too short to feel any other way! Black, grey, white, silver, red or any colour of the rainbow – if you feel you look good you should wear it – the world will be a happier place!
Hi Jen,
Well this is timely, and look at all the comments this has generated! Awesome topic. So you’ve had some women commenting on the choice of altering or not altering one’s appearance? Wow, who has time. who in the heck has time to judge someone for choices like this? (But then again, I’m kinda judging right now I guess, so there you go).
I have been having some moral dilemmas this week in how I am reacting to people. I’m writing a post about it right now. I often wonder what will happen when I retire, and I’m not reliant on others to earn a living. Will I speak my mind more freely, will i not sugar coat things? Will I be authentically me, inside and out, when my finances no longer depend on my political correctness?
thanks for the post, very thought provoking. love ya. xx Nancy
This seems to be mantra this week…why do women judge other women based on insecurities? As women, we all know that we dress for ourselves. We would like to say we did it for our husbands or because our job demands it. But in the end, we do what we like because that is what we like. And we need to love ourselves. If we cannot be kind to ourselves how can we possible be kind to those around us.
Happy Birthday…from where I sit you are a very young person. 🙂
b+
It is because of their own insecurities. We all need to cut each other slack!.
Oh my, I have chosen not to color my hair and recently the grey has overtaken the dark blonde. I have had three people in the past few weeks get in my face and tell me some variation of “you could be so attractive if you’d color your hair.” In every instance it was all I could do to bite my tongue, because what I was thinking was “you’d look a lot more attractive if you got a better haircut and stopped dying it dark/brassy-blonde!” I’m not thrilled with how I look, to be honest – I certainly looked prettier in my 40s than my late 50s. But aging has more moving parts than just hair color, and learning to manage them all is a process.
Great point Anne. It sounds like the people who got up right in your face would be more attractive if they were kinder and more polite too!!
I quit dying my hair about three years ago. I am very happy with my decision but I never want to be the gray hair police! I believe it is a personal decision and not everyone wants or looks good gray. I will add one aside. I never had one hairdresser endorse me going gray. I have however had two or three of them come up to me and tell me that I made the !
Hair dressers don’t like us going gray because it hits them in their wallet 🙂 Your hair is stunning Cindy!
Great post! Your blog. Please……keep up the great work.
Thought provoking in a good way. Lots of ‘improvements’ are subtle … good makeup provokes people to say ‘you have the most interesting eyes’ and you’re left to assume they really are struck by the quality of your eye color or wide-eyed wonderment or intense gaze (but, maybe it’s that new mascara). Some might say ‘you have the greatest smile’ and you think it’s the engaging element of your eyes smiling and your grin or ready laughter (but, maybe it’s those white strips …).
Hair is a different issue. Ask any woman who has lost their hair to chemo, and it’s heart wrenching and something that has no escape. 24/7 You know instantly how much your identity is tied to your hair.
As a redhead, I can say that my hair ‘made me’ all my life. It was my identity. It was my calling card. To have it ‘fade’ later in life, has been very difficult. Yes, I colored it in my 40’s, but it was never anywhere near the natural red beauty I’d had all my life. Sometimes I’d have the salon color it … until the colorist left the dye on too long and it turned burgundy. That was a shock. That was also before young women started choosing burgundy and lilac and powder blue. Big yuck. Then. Now. I finally found enough grace to accept my faded red hair. If you’re an older redhead, you probably realize what I mean by ‘faded’. It’s not all that bad. Not gray, silver, white … it’s just a very muted shade of red (think of sepia photographs). It’s what redheads become. And if your very being was tied to red hair, you know it’s better to fade than to have a ‘box’ color of red. Because blondes work … and brunettes work … but they haven’t found a way to bring back that childhood red with its variations … sunlight landing and striking pure gold; candlelight highlighting the glow of red, freckles and blonde eyebrows; burnished red and orange and gold and caramel. Thank goodness I’ve known life as one of the very rare redheads. It’s been a privilege. And it’s still, a natural, although faded, privilege.
Authentic? I guess so. Would I ever leave the house without lip color? Never, ever. Pale as I am, I need the brightness. Blush? A must. I gave my sister-in-law a makeup bag of all my favorite products … Je Ne Sais Quoi for natural lip color. INKcredible eyeliners from Laura Geller, Neutrogena makeup remover cloths, Nude eye shadows in every gorgeous shade of taupe/camel/charcoal/graphite, Bobbi Brown lips. I’ve always known the enhancing power of makeup, and embraced it.
But hair? Good color is great. Highlights and lowlights? Almost always stunning. Older women with dyed black hair? Not so much. Our hair is a treasure – we grew up admiring Rapunzel, any number of actresses, the Breck girl … losing the color we grew up with is a difficult loss to deal with, but nothing compared to losing, truly losing our hair. It’s fun to enjoy the art of makeup; it’s often foolish and mind-bending to indulge in plastic surgery; but it’s very often simply courageous to deal with the state of our hair.
Yesterday I almost wrote a strong reply to this post, but today I decided to send it! When I was getting chemo today, I noticed not one person in the crowded cancer clinic was looking around to criticize what anyone else’s hair or makeup looked like. Everyone there was just glad to be alive and had more important things to think about. Maybe the silly asses pondering “authenticity” should “ponder” about how lucky they are they have nothing worse in their lives to “think” about.
Dear Lynn … my random thoughts about being authentic by coloring/not coloring hair were meant to also shine a light on the upset some women experience in losing their hair to chemo treatments. I may not have written those thoughts well. Please know that I wish you every good thought in your battle.
My mother and my best friend had breast cancer and both lost their hair. It was very difficult for them to have handfuls of hair come out … an indignity for them, as they were bravely enduring the worry and sickness. I hugged them through their miseries and ache for what they went through in every way.
Going with them for chemo treatments, I know you’re exactly right – no one there is thinking about anything except getting well.
Wishing you renewed health, strength, and happy years ahead.
Marcia
Beautifully said Marcia. Thank you!
I’m very glad you commented Lynn! Thank you for sharing. Illness makes it crystal clear what matters and what doesn’t. I wish you strength and healing.
I’ve had grey hair for many years and have chosen never to dye it, as much from laziness as any aesthetic considerations. I started going grey in my thirties and at first it was rather patchy but has improved over time. My elder daughter is now going grey. She works in the fashion industry and and spent a lot of time (and money!) keeping her formerly very dark brown hair looking very dark brown! However, she became increasingly concerned about the application of strong chemicals in the dyes being put on her head and last year made the decision to stop colouring. (Shrieks of horror from her colleagues in fashion.) As a result her skin tone looks so much better and people keep asking her what new product is she using..
I appreciate that some women just don’t want to be grey. I’ve got a fabulous long, tawny wig for the days when I want to be someone other than a member of the silver brigade!
A wig is a fun alternative.
Great post because yes, I get the feeling there’s a group of people out there acting like the ‘hair police’! Oh for goodness sake as we age we should do as we darn well please! As in, if you feel washed out with hair that’s greying (like both of us I guess) you should carry on dyeing your hair. And if you want to have hair that’s bleached blonde, yellow, blue or as one of my friends in her late 60s is, a rich tomato red – go for it!!! I reckon it’s authentic to be yourself!
Hair police is a great term! Let’s just all support each other!!
Oh my! Yes! I just wrote about this. Truly we should just accept that we are all different and be happy about it. Life would be terribly boring if we all did and wore the same thing.
bisous
Suzanne
Dear Jennifer
Hello from England..I love your point of view on authenticity, for if we are not authentic we are not true to ourselves. I have non-descript mousy hair which I have had highlighted in blonde tones for 30 years. So expensive but well worth it
I admire women who can go grey gracefully, if that is their authenticity, then Im behind them all the way.. What matters is how you feel, beauty starts inside
I do apologise, I don’t often comment but some time ago you were talking about the perfect black fedora hat, and I promised myself I would get in touch when I found one.
Well, last weekend I did!…it is by Biba,and perfect indeed.. I think you would approve
…Also wonderful for making any hairdo look great 😉
Very best wishes to you my dear
Sally x
It is all about what feels good for us. Individually. Please share the hat contact info!! I’m crazy about hats.
When I was younger I use to care what people said about me but at this age I really don’t care. I am going to do what makes me feel good. Women that take a swipe at other women, are lacking in self love. This is a great post, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
You’re so right Lucy! They are the insecure ones. I no longer care either, but am shocked when women judge like that.
I have never had anyone ask if I dye my hair. I do. I am also considering botoxing my neck…have heard it gets rid of the double chin. I do not understand the judge mental attitude of some women. Of course my attitude is “fuck ’em”. Love ya baby!
I pity the woman who criticizes you to your face! You’re amazing. I’ll he watching your Botox experience. Taking notes. XXX
I bleach my hair. But I’m very open about it. So I guess I feel authentic! For me, it’s a style choice.
I love watching your choices. The red was pretty awesome!
I became a blond when I was 14. I was inspired by the “Summer Bond” commercial and obsessed with the whole California surfing culture. I was born to be blond and I’ve never looked back.
I turned 64 this weekend. I haven’t seen my natural hair color for 50 years!
Sorry,meant to write “Summer Blond”.
Many women haven’t seen their color in years. And that’s their choice. I wish I was that brave with hair color. I’d go blue 🙂
For me, being authentic means I’m living in alignment with my heart and soul.
I love that “give me strength” comment! Some (many?) women behave as though life is one giant competition with all the rest of us, and the more they can criticize and put others down the higher that puts them on some imaginary scale of perfection. Pulleeze – if we aren’t good to each other, who will be?
Love your blog, Mary
Thanks Mary. Some women haven’t progressed too far beyond high school competitiveness. And they’re the sad ones.
On my last walk with my father he said to me: “you know the most amazing thing about your mother?”
I expected something profound or profound in his mind. He said: “she’s never had a gray hair.”
I remembered how when she first began dying her hair we’d have to run around putting the boxes in neighbor’s trash cans (taking it out was his one home responsibility aside from taking care of my sister and I a day or two a week)
Then she went to a hair stylist.
She kept no secrets from him but that one and I wasn’t going to spoil the fantasy. So I smiled and said “yes it’s amazing.” (She was very beautiful.)
i dye my hair simply because I know I wouldn’t look good with gray hair
Beautiful story! Really sweet.
In the end, if we don’t like how we look with gray hair, we’re fortunate enough, not to have to suffer with it. It’s our choice.