Civility and Style
I had another post planned for today but felt this was more timely. This topic has been on my mind for weeks, then events over the weekend brought it to a head. I invite you to agree or disagree with me but for the sake of civility, please be polite.
When I was in middle school, the mean girls ruled by intimidation. I wasn’t part of their crowd so was fair game. Their weapon was to publicly humiliate me for what I was wearing. Sadly, some of those mean girls have grown into mean women who feel entitled to do the same.
As a style blogger, I put myself out there in the public eye and welcome feedback. When negative comments cross the line to name calling and cruelty, they’ve gone too far. Social media can feel like a battlefield some days and my Facebook page became the front line last Friday.
A woman commented that I was narcissistic and shallow for sharing pictures of what I wore. Hello? She was on the business page for my blog which makes it pretty clear what I do. She said my outfit looked boring and insisted I had to wear more color because that’s what women with careers did. She began private messaging me where her comments crossed the line to vicious. I finally banned her from my page and deleted the entire exchange.
This got me thinking about women who aren’t style bloggers. Women who wish to try new styles and change their look. Many of us need to transition our style because of retirement, physical challenges, or other lifestyle changes. Some of us are just ready for a change.
We’re bombarded with enough messages about how we should and shouldn’t look. We’re told we shouldn’t wear certain fashions because of our age, shape, size, etc, etc. When you add the verbal critiques from other women into the mix…you have the perfect storm to cripple some woman’s style creativity.
I’m not the only one who has overheard 2 or more women, openly pick apart another woman’s appearance. It’s called gossip and it’s mean. Offhand comments do more damage than you might imagine. We need to support and encourage other women’s fashion choices. Just because it’s not your style doesn’t make it wrong.
What do you think?
Have you got a great retort for critiques about how you look?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Well said. Women are women’s worst enemies. Perhaps tearing someone down to build themselves up? It’s shameful, whatever the reason.
I applaud you each time you post for your honesty and courage. It must be difficult sometimes to put yourself out there to possible abuse. So, just one person’s view, but I love your blog and send kudos to you. You always look beautiful and you’ve certainly helped me with style choices. So…nay to the naysayers! You go girl!
Well said Jennifer!! And thank you for standing up to this individual. I love the phrase “for every finger you point at someone, there are three pointing back at you!” There is no place for bullying in my world – so I thank you for this timely post.
I am sorry for the rude, inexcusable behavior you experienced! I agree–we all need to be more civil & supportive to each other.
I have never understood people who openly criticize others be it fashion, hair, makeup or style. I understand competitiveness, but people don’t seem to know how to filter their opinions any longer. The rules of civility still stand and are even more important in this age of social media. There will always be mean girls/women out there and blocking this person was appropriate. Let her apologize before allowing her back into your world.
I always admired two effective retorts used by my male friends. The main problem with the mean or interfering remarks is that they are aiming toward a protracted “dialogue”, as happened with your commenter. Either of these strategies really shuts them down and leaves them nowhere to go.
1. (said quietly and in a sincere tone) Thank you. (for showing “concern” for me)
2. You may be right. (who can argue after they’re already right and, of course, you think to yourself “equally, you may be wrong”)
I appreciate your reminder of politeness. It’s more difficult to politely articulate a difference in mind, and to have a civil exchange of differing ideas — virtues that our country was founded upon, and, sadly, not always used with social media — than it is to use unedited words and meanness. I suppose it’s the anonymity. Keep kindness in mind, always, and agree to disagree, without slander.
No, Jennifer, I don’t. When something Like that happens, I’m usually too shocked to respond. Most of our generation was raised with good manners. My Mother always said “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing”. I’m not sure what type of person could be that judgmental. I guess I’m not secure enough to judge someone else. But I don’t think that a woman who is sure of herself and her image would be a bully either. After so many eons of women being treated like second class citizens, we must stand united and support each other.
I thank you for putting yourself out there.
I was also thinking, maybe this is an opportunity. To educate. I read alot of books on colors, clothes etc. And I have read that other countries have different views on dress than us. Some like neutrals, some like color, we wear white to get married, other countries wear white when a death has occurred. Some believe dark colors are business like, others believe color make them happy. We may need to discuss our views on this topic, so we can learn how to “see”each other better.? Thanks for being brave enough to bring this topic up. Thanks, keep up the good work!
I am that I don’t seem to have received many negative comments on my blog. Some don’t like or agree with what I wear but that is fine. I was given some advice many years ago. My trainer taught me that “What comes our of someones mouth (or in this case written word) says everything about them and nothing about you.” People give so much away about themselves if you care to pay attention to thier language etc.
My mother always said, ‘Consider the source.’ What she meant was that there’s usually more going on with a person that prompts their comments. That advice gives me perspective. It’s not so much about me as about that person.
I think a good comment to the kind of criticism about what you wear would be something like, ‘I hear you, but I feel really comfortable and confident in how I’m dressed today.’ Nothing more need be said.
Jennifer,
I feel so bad for you as you are such a kind person (I can tell !), yet, I suppose it does come with the lifestyle of a blogger, as you said you put yourself out there every day.
As we know, other people’s meanness is a reflection on THEM….not you. I’m sure it still hurts, however.
Please keep – up the great work as there are so many of us who feel like we know you as our friend and really enjoy following your personal journey and style !
Kind regards,
Diane
Dear Jennifer, I have never commented on any social media blog before but your post definitely opened a past wound. Please know you are an amazing and beautiful woman who tremendously helps others look beautiful and feel confident. The fact that there are heartless women berating other women out there is truly sad and a black mark on today’s society. We should be helping each other look and feel fabulous instead of knocking each other out. Keep on deleting those negative comments and know you are a bright star for those of us over 50. Thank you so much for your uplifting advice and smiling that beautiful smile! You are greatly appreciated by your readers!!!!
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I personally don’t get it. The internet is a double edge sword at times and I think the best response is no response. I love to go to your blog and see your outfits. And I hope you will continue to do so. Cheers!
A puzzled expression and saying “Excuse me?” encouraging the person to repeat the remark often helps them realize their lack of kindness. Otherwise, no comment or retort keeps the conversation civil. And we have two feet to use to walk away.
My body type is not like yours but the way you critique your type has helped me to do likewise with mine and I have gained confidence in my fashion choices. I look forward to your emails.Thank you for what must be a great deal of work for you to help women like me.
Your style is casual and relaxed. I like your choices as I am on the cusp of downsizing and simplifying and you give me inspiration. Keep on doing what you do!
Amen to that, Sister! There seems to be a trend in aggressive criticism and name calling today and I, for one, think it is horrible and completely unnecessary. What makes them an expert? Style is really personal preference, what makes you feel good. Just because I might not care for some item you show us doesn’t mean its wrong somehow, just not right for me. It may be perfectly right for you. I am so sorry you experienced this. I never felt you put yourself out there as an expert, just shared things you like. Keep up the style sharing as I have really enjoyed it!
As women, we should support and empower each other, not tear down others. Keep doing what you are doing. I and many other women enjoy your blog and posts. Those who constantly feel the need the criticize and humilate others are obviously doing so because they feel that they do not “measure up” and want to level the playing field. Don’t let those folks get to you.
Like you, I am open to constructive criticism and will post those types of comments. I want to always be teachable and I think I am learning new things every day. But, name calling, shaming, ridiculing is cyber bullying. I featured different women on my blog all summer, becaue I think it was fun to share what others are wearing, but some of the comments were so rude and low. I did not post them because I did not want to hurt my friends or associates. Over the weekend, like you, it got really ugly with at least one, resorting to name calling. It is unnecessary and I will not post it or tolerate it. My blog is all about optimism, kindness, joy and I hope all of those who are so mean-spirited experience what it is like to walk with those qualities inside of them some day. If all you do is go online to me mean and incite trouble, then please, for the sake of all of us…go get a real job! And deal with your own pain which drives you to be so ugly. Then think before you comment…is it constructive or hurtful.
Thank you for the reminder to be kind in our observations of each other. In the quest to have our own look, or to beautify ourselves, we may trigger a response in others..it has happened to me also. My thoughts are, maybe we need to encourage ourselves more, and support anyone who cares enough to want to beautify the world. More flowers, more hugs!