Monday Musings- Should Flattering Get The Final Say?
This weeknd in Vancouver, was trying to prove that summer is over. It’s turned rather clammy and chilly and I see leaves turning on a few trees. I broke out my slicker and red loafers which felt more fall like than my canvas bag. I know it isn’t time to swap out my wardrobe, but it did make me anxious for fall.
This week, I’m musing about the rules we follow without always questioning them.
I’ve spent much of my career as an image consultant helping women understand what flatters them. Color, proportion, fit, balance, and line have been central to my work, and I still believe they’re useful. I rely on them every time I get dressed.
But as I get older, I’m beginning to wonder whether it’s time to loosen their grip.
“Flattering” sounds harmless enough. In practice, it usually means smaller, slimmer, smoother, brighter, or, sadly, younger. Body-shape advice tells us which cuts lengthen, balance, minimize, or disguise. Color analysis works through the very same lens. Which shades make our skin look clearer, our eyes brighter, or our hair richer?
It’s all flattering. It’s all based on the idea that the best choice is the one that improves the way we look.
There’s nothing wrong with knowing the answers. I know which colors brighten my face, which shapes make me appear taller, and which proportions create balance. For years, that knowledge felt freeing because it gave me a reliable way to make choices.
But what happens when when flattering becomes the only standard we use? Getting dressed starts to feel less like preparing for our day and more like passing an inspection nobody actually assigned us. We stop asking whether we like something or whether it feels like us. Instead, we ask what it hides, corrects, or improves.
After decades of knowing how to make ourselves look more flattering, some of us may be wondering whether we still want that to be the goal every time we get dressed.
Lately, I’ve been testing how much of that advice I still want to follow. I still notice when a color isn’t my best or a shape makes me look wider. I just don’t automatically take that as a reason not to wear it.
Sometimes I like the color. Sometimes I like the volume. Sometimes I simply like the outfit more than I care about whether it’s doing everything possible to flatter me.
That may be the shift. I can understand exactly why something isn’t my most flattering option and still choose it.
I’m not abandoning everything I know. Fit, fabric, color, and proportion still matter. I want my clothes to sit well, feel good, and look like me. I just want to keep the knowledge without feeling chained to it.
Have you started loosening your own rules, or does flattering still get the final say?
Reader Questions
Q – I’ve noticed the edge of my lipstick doesn’t look sharp anymore and wondered which lip liner you’d recommend. Am I better off using nude, clear, or tinted? Is it true you should match the color to your tongue?
A – If the edges of your lips aren’t sharp anymore, a lip pencil is a great way to give them a more definition which keeps lipstick from feathering. I’ve never had luck with clear liners that go outside your lip line, but you may. This clear liner is very popular, and this Maybelline liner has great reviews.
A nude liner (the color of your gums) is a great choice because they wear off subtly and don’t leave you looking like you have a ring around your lips. I use those most often. My favorite liner is this one by Charlotte Tilbury. It’s waterproff, budge proof, and doesn’t dry out my lips. It comes in tons of colors…I suggest you start with the “nudes”.
Q – What comfortable, nude colored underwear do you recomend for women over 70?
A – Funny you should ask, because I’m turning 70 in a few weeks and have narrowed down to favorites to only comfy. I’ve long past the age when panties that hit below my waist are either flattering or comfortable. I’ve worn and loved these Natori Bliss stretch cotton full briefs for years and love them!
I discovered these high waisted Eby panties a while back, and love them! They feel like nothing on and leave no panty lines. This summer I’ve gone all in for these cooling, anti-chafe underwear. They are beyond fabulous under skirts or dresses, but I also reach for them to wear under my pants…they are that comfy.
Q – What is your opinion about the leggings we still have in our closet from a few years ago. I know newer yoga style pants are in style, but what about the older ones that we wear with tunics? Should I get rid of mine?
A – Yes. The leggings of yesteryear are very dated now and have been replaced with slim leg, ponte knit fabric options that look more like pants than exercise wear. These also allow you to wear them with slightly shorter tops which look more modern. They’re not as tight so they don’t reveal more than anyone should be seeing.
My musings are me working things out and I’d love to hear your thoughts on “flattering”.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on ‘flattering’.
It’s quite freeing to be able to say “Okay, so this doesn’t tick ALL the boxes, but I like it and I can still wear it anyway.”
I think so too!
I think I’ve ditched outfits because they didn’t make me look the way I thought I should. “The way I thought I should,” though, has been driven by inner demons, societal dictates and I can still hear my mother saying, “you’re going to wear THAT?”
Now, at 73, I want to look in the mirror and think I look good…to me.
I wore an outfit to the dentist so definitely comfortable but was it flattering? I don’t know but I loved the way I looked. And for me, that’s what matters.
And I agree with another reader…it helps tremendously to know we’re not alone with some of these feelings. You’ve provided a wonderful space for expression. Thanks, Jennifer.
We are in this together Linda! Thanks for being part of our community. I always love to hear from you.
I think for me at age 76 I’m finding wanting more comfortable clothing but always hope it looks flattering. Even now though I know the things that work but still want something different sometimes.
Enjoy your musings about today’s topic. At the end, you asked about rules and if they were being loosened. I had to think if I ever made rules about clothing for myself and I hadn’t. So no, nothing has been loosened. I wear what I like. Maybe that’s been my rule. Thanks for today’s brain challenge!
I look forward to your Monday musings! I especially liked your comment about getting dressed feeling more like an inspection no one assigned us. At almost 70, I find I am finally willing to relax these invisible standards I have for myself- especially with comfortable shoes and sneakers!
Thanks for expressing my feelings so eloquently- and also making me laugh.
Thanks for being here Ava!
It all depends on what I am doing that day. If I am going to be around many people whose opinion I value, I want my clothing to be as flattering as possible. But if I’m going to be spending the day at home, I want it to be comfortable and something that brightens my day. Not necessarily my best colors. I wear yellow and bright red at home. Not my best colors, but uplifting!
Welcome to my world Jennifer! Everything in my closet is in my color palette so that part is easy. All of my summer clothes are linen, cotton or gauze so pretty much comfortable. I’m 81 and don’t care what anyone else thinks about what I wear. I also have RA and comfortable is number one. Lately cotton gauze has been my choice to wear. My pants are all a little baggy because my waist expanded but my butt didn’t. I can’t wear 10 unless it is unbuttoned and halfway unzipped. So I wear wide leg 12P with comfort and can sit in them. I only own comfortable shoes so that is easy. Life in the Wisdom Age Era is easy.
Interesting that you mention this; I’m also exploring this issue and the difference between flattering and comfortable. I am 73 years old and work to keep myself looking and feeling fit, in part because there’s some vanity here, but also because the physical therapist-guided exercise program I follow helps me stay free of arthritis pain and stay healthy. I aIso fit better in my clothes. But, I digress. I had to cut back on my workouts for a month because of eye surgery, so I gained a little weight. It’s very hot where I live, so this was an excuse to eat mint chocolate chip ice cream to cool down, which also added a pound or so.
Last week, I was inspired by a look you wore that featured a gauzy linen white top and light-colored chino shorts, which were perfect for the heat and comfortable to wear when friends came to visit. I like the colors and styling, too. However, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t like how I looked heavier, so I changed clothes immediately. Yet another visit from the inner critic: “Does this make me look fat?” After reading this post, I believe I will give this outfit a shot again, commit to enjoying its comfort and style, and dismiss the feeling of being too critical and self-conscious.
With age, I am getting better at being me, but it always helps to learn when someone else is learning the same lesson, too. It helps me be more confident in and accepting of my choices. Also, it makes me smile.
I’m back to exercising this week because it is also a choice that helps me feel better. My muse also helps me in the same way it helps you. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing Christine. I think mint chocolate chip ice cream is a perfect therapy in your case. Treating ourselves with grace acceptance, and kindness beats the alternative everyday! I hope you’re feeling better soon.