Why Are Women So Hard On Themselves?
Last week I shared a photo of me from 1981 on Instagram and Facebook. It only showed me from the underarms up but I had makeup on and I’d obviously curled my hair. I was leaning over the sink, just finishing giving my 2 months old his bath in the kitchen sink. Remember those days? No fancy plastic tubs in our house… the child went from the kitchen sink to the bathtub.
Anyway, I commented that although I knew I was terribly sleep-deprived, I bothered with my appearance because that’s just the way I roll.
One commenter asked me if spending time to look “well turned out” was worth it, at the time.
Another said she was overweight after the birth of her children so didn’t make an effort.
This got me thinking about how different we all are.
I answered that yes, it was absolutely worth taking the time to fix myself up because that allowed me to feel better about myself. I had yet to shed my 65-pound pregnancy weight gain, but taking some small steps for my appearance helped boost my confidence.
This act of self-care is a shield against the darts life can throw at us. Even the ones we throw at ourselves. And why are we women so hard on ourselves?
Many women commented on how hard they had been on their younger selves and wished they hadn’t been. They thought they were too heavy then…except now they are much heavier, so why didn’t they appreciate themselves more then? And what will they be saying to their current self, in five, or ten years’ time – looking back?
Do we take shots at ourselves as a defense mechanism, before someone else gets the chance? Do we think that by lowering ourselves or making ourselves smaller – we’ll be encouraged to do or be “better”?
One woman commented – “why was I in such a hurry to grow up? Why didn’t I celebrate more of my youth?”
This has me thinking, about how we talk to ourselves, our daughters, each other. About the importance of positivity and loving ourselves for who we are, and now. Taking steps – whatever that looks like, to take care of ourselves. And not putting it off, or hurrying past.
What are your thoughts?
Late to the talk because we ventured out on a road trip north to Oregon. So glad we did because at our age we need to enjoy life when we can. Get up, get dressed, make your bed and go to work was the mantra I was raised on. Even now with the quarantine I wouldn’t think of not dressing and putting lipstick on. It’s not for others that I do this; it’s for me. No one in the grocery store really cares what I look like. People aren’t looking at you and evaluating your wardrobe. I was never very thin and although my weight has been redistributed, I weigh what I did in high school. When I look at old photos I wished I smiled more and so now when the camera is out I get my best grin on.
Thank you Linda
I think how we dress, do our hair or makeup are all part of our creative instincts. How we fix up our home is part of our nesting, protective instincts. I’d like to think I explore and exploit them to my benefit, being satisfied I’ve done my best with what life has given me.
This was a very thoughtful piece, and very pertinent. It is making me think about why I’ve slowly stopped making the effort these days. Sure, I can blame it on the isolation of the pandemic, but is that what it really is?
Back in March when I first started sheltering in place I bought some makeup online and the one thing that came out of it was bringing back some eyebrow to my face. Small thing but it made a huge difference if only to me.
I have gained more weight since March than any of my normal fluctuations. This post may have given me permission to forgive myself for it and that in turn will give me some motivation to make small steps back to a more healthy weight without beating myself up.
Your posts are upbeat, intuitive, inspirational and spot on. Now if only I could feel safe going shopping for some new clothes. Your posts offer such great ideas but shopping online is SO frustrating.
Thank you, Jennifer, for being so supportive of us while you have so much going on in your own life. 💕💕
Be gentle with yourself Carla. If you don’t feel safe shopping outside, shop your closet and play with accessories to bring yourself joy. These are tough times for everyone. Be your own kindest friend.
I’m an elementary school teacher and recently heard some great advice from our school counselor. She said, “when we talk to ourselves, let’s be sure we talk with the same love and concern we’d talk to a friend”. Wow. Remind yourself to do this the next time you are about to tell yourself something. Your inner voice will be softer and kinder. And after all — if our friends deserve this care, don’t we deserve it from ourselves?
I love this!!
Love this topic.
Several women have commented that they believe females have been conditioned by society to focus on our appearance.
While I agree that in current times advertising has had a huge impact on us and our use of commercial products to improve our physical appearance, I see the desire to beautify as a particularly innate feminine trait. I think it’s part of our genetics to want to make things, including ourselves, beautiful. No matter where I travel I am always delighted and impressed by the need that women have to plant flowers , make quilts, put up pretty curtains, improve and beautify their surroundings. I know I’m addressing other issues of beauty discussed here, not that I don’t find them all valid. I wanted to offer this perspective, because I find it so fascinating, and free of commercial or social influence. I believe be the need for beauty resides in the female soul.
I love your perspective. It certainly exists in my soul.
Someone just sent me some pics my Mama had stored away from my teen and twenties. I looked at them and realized that I looked really pretty then. I didn’t feel it so it was a shock to see them. We start out at a young age judinging ourselves as not being as pretty or as smart when we are. We do measure up. I wish I could make every young person aware of that. You are special.
I TRY to apply that lesson at 70, when I’m 80 I’ll look at pictures of 70 and see the good things that I don’t have any more. Also tell myself in the mirror, this is the best you’ll ever look.
I also have always cared and taken time with my appearance.
But when I think back, wasn’t there always a look or a gentle comment from a man. Or maybe it was all me worrying. When we were younger we were close to perfect we see now, so maybe we could see one thing that could be improved. A beautiful young woman told me she thought her teeth looked too short!
As always we look to the area we like least when we see photos. I pretty picture of a comedian had ‘I should have worn a more supportive bra’ as the caption. Then i looked, ok i see that now, but didn’t even notice it before
So let’s apply our lesson today! No one screams when they see me, i get compliments, i still see good things about me. I’ll try not to worry about my stomach, my neck and always go to the worst to judge myself.
I’ll try anyway…
Thank you for discussing these important issues, it helps!
I’ve no answer to why anyone is hard on themselves about something as insignificant as external appearance. The words you choose are clues. “Fix myself up” indicates something was broken before you artificially created curls and smoother skin and longer lashes. How small dabs of stage makeup and costume can “boost confidence” is a mystery.
Maybe if we judged ourselves by different criteria, perhaps kindness, productivity, contribution, creativity, we would have a confidence that doesn’t wash away in a strong thunderstorm.
We need to be taught from birth to love who we are and not what we look like!
I didn’t love myself until I turned 50! How sad is that?
I like this quote:
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield
Women need to be kinder to themselves and when we do so, we teach other women, including our daughters, nieces, granddaughters, and female friends, to be kinder also.
Loved your topic. If I could tell my younger self anything { I am 73 now} ,it would be that I looked great. I live in the deep south and was raised by a very strict southern Mother. so a little makeup everyday is second nature. My biggest problem now is finding things to keep me busy and entertained while staying mostly at home. any ideas??
+ Try: http://www.volunteermatch.org There are so many places to volunteer now, from home or delivering meals by car, etc.
+ Join a book club through your library.
+ Learn 1 new skill with YouTube lessons… how to fix something, a new craft, how to take better photos, a language. Make small goals – how to say 10 phrases in Italian or how to hang a picture.
+ Prepare greeting cards – or make them – for birthdays and holidays coming up in the next few months
+ reach out to someone who is less fortunate who would love to have a friendly chat
I really enjoyed your post today, Jennifer, as well as all the comments! What an interesting topic.
I’m still working and enjoy ‘dressing up’ every day (even though it’s pretty casual). I was furloughed for nearly 2 months and really missed doing so. But I still made an effort to keep up my appearance and not gain that “Covid 20.”
I never had children, but I look back at my mom (who worked out of the house while raising 4 kids) and she always looks so stylish and put- together in photos. I like to think that rubbed off on me!
We are hard on ourselves because centuries of our cultures have made us do it. I got some photos of me from my kids recently, and I think I looked damn good holding them in their baby pictures. I was young and what my daughter calls “conventionally pretty.” Well, now I’m old and stuck at home, and I really could take more care from day to day, but that isn’t at the top of my list. My house burned down; I moved into a new house with my daughter and her family; my husband is vulnerable to the virus, and it’s 110 degrees outside. If the Amazon delivery guy thinks I would benefit from some mascara, I do not care.