Civility and Style
I had another post planned for today but felt this was more timely. This topic has been on my mind for weeks, then events over the weekend brought it to a head. I invite you to agree or disagree with me but for the sake of civility, please be polite.
When I was in middle school, the mean girls ruled by intimidation. I wasn’t part of their crowd so was fair game. Their weapon was to publicly humiliate me for what I was wearing. Sadly, some of those mean girls have grown into mean women who feel entitled to do the same.
As a style blogger, I put myself out there in the public eye and welcome feedback. When negative comments cross the line to name calling and cruelty, they’ve gone too far. Social media can feel like a battlefield some days and my Facebook page became the front line last Friday.
A woman commented that I was narcissistic and shallow for sharing pictures of what I wore. Hello? She was on the business page for my blog which makes it pretty clear what I do. She said my outfit looked boring and insisted I had to wear more color because that’s what women with careers did. She began private messaging me where her comments crossed the line to vicious. I finally banned her from my page and deleted the entire exchange.
This got me thinking about women who aren’t style bloggers. Women who wish to try new styles and change their look. Many of us need to transition our style because of retirement, physical challenges, or other lifestyle changes. Some of us are just ready for a change.
We’re bombarded with enough messages about how we should and shouldn’t look. We’re told we shouldn’t wear certain fashions because of our age, shape, size, etc, etc. When you add the verbal critiques from other women into the mix…you have the perfect storm to cripple some woman’s style creativity.
I’m not the only one who has overheard 2 or more women, openly pick apart another woman’s appearance. It’s called gossip and it’s mean. Offhand comments do more damage than you might imagine. We need to support and encourage other women’s fashion choices. Just because it’s not your style doesn’t make it wrong.
What do you think?
Have you got a great retort for critiques about how you look?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
I was never talented at conjuring up a retort in a timely manner. As adults I thought we were beyond the pain of “mean girls” who plagued us in our formative years. But I guess you are right, mean girls grow into mean women. I’m sure you have noticed that with the growth of social media some users find the anonymity freeing enough to say whatever they want with no consequences. The political discourse in our country has brought out the worst in people. I’m sorry you have been targeted and can understand why you chose to address the issue. I’m most concerned for our young people who have been nurtured in this environment but lack the maturity to navigate the viciousness. Thank you for sharing this painful experience and let’s all work together to curb the rise in uncivil discourse.
I have noticed that some women remain mean girls throughout their lives. The best tact is to ignore. They want to engage you in a confrontation. Blocking this individual is the best solution. Give her no time, nor forum.
I follow your blog every day and while your taste is not always the same as mine,
I learn from every post. You put a lot of yourself into your writing and it makes you seem like a friend to your readers. Don’t ever change.
Jennifer,
so sorry about the ugliness you were subjected to. We don’t have to always agree or like everything you post but we can disagree agreeable. Even when I don’t think one of your posts would work for me it is still interesting to see what is out there. I must say though that I like and enjoy most everything you post and you have helped me to think and consider what will help me look my best. Keep up the good work.
Betty
I am very sorry that happened to you. Truly there is no excuse for it. We are all individuals with our own ideas and feelings. Someone doing something like that is insecure and not really raised to understand the word respect. No one in their life taught them the old saying “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” Chances are they have even raised another generation that thinks that is acceptable behavior.
Jennifer, you are adorable and I really enjoy your blog. As for the mean woman, she is very small-minded and thinks so little of herself that she needs to minimize others in order to make herself feel important. People like that have no place in my life. I prefer to be surrounded by positive, generous minded women. You were right to block her although I think it’s absurd that someone who finds you so offensive actually seeks you out to tell you so! I’m sending you good vibes!
Bullies come in all ages, never leave high school (mentally) and feel their opinions are the right way to do things. Women need to build up other women and not try to tear them down! We are not about our size, our hair, our income but we should be about our heart and what can I do to make it a better world. Kindness will always win over hurtfulness.
Jennifer, I find that people who strike out are typically insecure, but they are also just plain mean-spirited. I do like most of what your wear, but other things are not my style. Does that mean I should attack you? Heavens, no! Thankfully, we are all individuals and, as such, should be allowed to show that individuality in our clothing choices. Civility seems to have gone the way of the old model-T vehicle. I have determined that, for my part, I will continue to speak civilly to all people.
I am not in the position of hearing what others say about me that is ugly, perhaps i don’t listen, but I think it is because I choose my friends wisely! 🙂 I admire your spunk, your pizzazz, and your ability put together great looks. You know that those who rude and disagreeable are usually unhappy and want to spread their unhappiness. Keep on doing what you do, you are talented and lovely!
Dear Jennifer,
Please ignore the naysayers – they will always be out there. Please keep doing what you’re doing as many women, including myself, enjoy reading your blogs about fashion and life.
All the very best,
Chris
Could not agree more! Keep being positive.
I am sorry that you were attacked in this way for something as personal as what you wore and the way you chose to present yourself. That is never acceptable. But what resonates most clearly is your comments about mean girls in your youth. I never found a way to “fit in,” never seemed to find the right outfit, hairstyle, attitude, whatever to make me something other than an outsider. Too short curly hair in a Peggy Lipton of Mod Squad flat ironed long blonde hair world! The emotional wounds were deeper than I ever imagined, because they haunt me to this very day. I worry waaaay too much about what I am wearing, how people will view me in whatever outfit I have chosen, too easily hurt by an off the cuff remark. My public persona seems confident, in charge, armor plated, but the inside me is sometimes a 12 year old girl on the verge of tears.
Please don’t let the haters get you down.
I don’t always love everything you wear, but that’s one of the reasons I love your blog. Neither do you! I do love that you’re willing to share looks you’ve decided aren’t for you and then explain to us why. Thanks for what you do! It’s so sad that any woman at our age is still steeped in mean girl insecurity. My response to that is usually one of two tacks: Ignore until I can’t, then politely and respectfully inform the antagonist that life’s too short and sweet to waste time entertaining hatefulness. Be blessed!
I am so thankful to have found your blog. As my mother used to tell me when the mean girls got to me, “The are jealous!” Ignore the negative; ban or do whatever you need to do! You have hundreds of women who are happy you are part of their lives and who are excited to see a new post on your blog!
My mother used to tell me the same thing Brenda!
Joy – NSW, Australia
People like that are so unhappy with their lives that they need to think what they say is right??? It’s a form of bullying. In reality you are what they want to be. Jealous people are unhappy people
It’s sad that people so comfortable behind the screen of a computer and spit out spiteful hatred. They would never do that face to face. Your blog is for women of ageless maturity. I would hope that maturity would bring some respect for others also. Unfortunately our society in general has spiraled out of control.
I enjoy you blog and your approach to life thru your style.
Thanks and keep up the good work.
Jennifer,
Very well said. Thank you for writing about this, and thank you for putting yourself
out there everyday to inspire and encourage other women. I’ve never understood how criticizing and demeaning someone else can make some women feel better about themselves.
I’d say living the fabulous, well-styled life you’ve created for you and your family is the ultimate triumph over mean girls of any age.
Oh Jennifer, I’m sorry that snarky and dare I say, unintelligent people are leaving rude comments. Most women are interested in looking their very best, just for themselves. I turned seventy this summer and find that I need to reinvent myself every few years. Body shape changes, skin and hair changes…time to fine tune everything. Your observation on mean girls in school becoming mean women is very valid. By the way, did this person not realize that this is a personal style blog? Hellllooo! I kinda think that’s the point of a lifestyle blog; taking pictures, discussing clothes, trying out makeup and hair products, and then posting said pictures. Personally I think it is wonderful that you are comfortable having your picture taken. I would rather have a colonoscopy…ha!
Wouldn’t life be boring if we all wore the same things in the same way? I follow several older fashion bloggers with various styles and attitudes. All of them (including you) say the same thing, wear what makes you comfortable, works with your life and expresses your personality. I often love what another women is wearing even though I would not be caught dead in it! I love opportunity to enjoy other points of view. Who knows, I might just learn something and have the courage to try it myself.
I look forward to your blog every day and also have board on Pinterest for fashion. While I’m in my mid 70’s and little heavier than you, there are great ideas to be learned. I don’t dress like my daughter, but I don’t dress like my mother or grandmother either. Keep up the good work.
Sorry you had to experience that impolite rudeness. If someone does not appreciate your style, there are certainly other bloggers that should appeal. There are too many folks these days that instead of working together and kindly offering suggestions, they just name-call and spout vitriolic comments. Our poor children currently have such bad examples on display in the public arena. We _do_ need to return to civility.