Civility and Style
I had another post planned for today but felt this was more timely. This topic has been on my mind for weeks, then events over the weekend brought it to a head. I invite you to agree or disagree with me but for the sake of civility, please be polite.
When I was in middle school, the mean girls ruled by intimidation. I wasn’t part of their crowd so was fair game. Their weapon was to publicly humiliate me for what I was wearing. Sadly, some of those mean girls have grown into mean women who feel entitled to do the same.
As a style blogger, I put myself out there in the public eye and welcome feedback. When negative comments cross the line to name calling and cruelty, they’ve gone too far. Social media can feel like a battlefield some days and my Facebook page became the front line last Friday.
A woman commented that I was narcissistic and shallow for sharing pictures of what I wore. Hello? She was on the business page for my blog which makes it pretty clear what I do. She said my outfit looked boring and insisted I had to wear more color because that’s what women with careers did. She began private messaging me where her comments crossed the line to vicious. I finally banned her from my page and deleted the entire exchange.
This got me thinking about women who aren’t style bloggers. Women who wish to try new styles and change their look. Many of us need to transition our style because of retirement, physical challenges, or other lifestyle changes. Some of us are just ready for a change.
We’re bombarded with enough messages about how we should and shouldn’t look. We’re told we shouldn’t wear certain fashions because of our age, shape, size, etc, etc. When you add the verbal critiques from other women into the mix…you have the perfect storm to cripple some woman’s style creativity.
I’m not the only one who has overheard 2 or more women, openly pick apart another woman’s appearance. It’s called gossip and it’s mean. Offhand comments do more damage than you might imagine. We need to support and encourage other women’s fashion choices. Just because it’s not your style doesn’t make it wrong.
What do you think?
Have you got a great retort for critiques about how you look?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
I am always surprised when style bloggers get so badly mistreated like this; one wonders why the assailants are taking the time to read style blogs in the first place when their usual gripe is that the blogger is shallow for examining and enjoying style… Regarding your comments about picking apart others–I plead guilty and ashamed!!! But, sometimes one just gets overwhelmed by the messages other women send, e.g., this restaurant and its guests aren’t worth the bother of changing out of shorts, flip flops and a tank top with bra straps showing. It’s hard to restrain my inner be-atch sometimes. I do have an exercise I practice on myself when I internally rake someone across the coals for her presentation of self: I recompose myself and find one thing to compliment her on internally, e.g. “look how nice her manicure is; she has clean hair and nice earrings; she does not deserve my withering dressing down as she is most likely loved dearly by grandchildren, etc.”
I love your honesty, Clarissa! I think most have us have had those thoughts run through our minds at times. It’s the classy ones who keep it inside. Thanks so much for reading.
Wow, Jennifer, this post clearly touched a nerve in so many of us! During the time I was single between marriages, the ex of a man I was dating used her blog to take swings at me – nasty, mean-girl swings aimed straight at me I was shocked, hurt and thrown. It felt just like middle school to me and hurt me as badly now as it had then. What really shocked me was that this woman had a teenage daughter who was likely learning mean-girl behavior from her mom. I don’t know why so many people feel they have the right to comment nastily and feel compelled to. I’m sorry this happened to you. As you know, I think you are brave, smart, and honest about style. Keep it up!
Oh, Lisa, that must have been awful! I’m so sorry you had to deal with her nastiness! She was indeed teaching her teenage daughter the mean girl ropes. Toxicity is hard to tolerate at any age. Thanks so much!
Awful. Just awful. It would be difficult to have to listen to that. Geez. Wear whatever you want. I don’t care. Some days I like your outfits, some days I don’t. How boring would life be if we all looked just like our friend/neighbor/sister every single day. YOU GO GIRL!!
Jennifer I have never commented on a post but I need to now in response to the vicious commenter
You and I have very different lifestyles and shapes but I always enjoy seeing you outfits I like to think about what you choose and what would or would not work for me Total agreement with your choices is not my goal and I don’t think anyone should totally copy someone’s outfit
Thank for sharing your ideas about fashion and your life with your readers
Hmmmm…. I just say, “Why, bless your heart. I will share your comments with your mother.” Then I smile. And move on with my life. What cheek. In truth you are the first blog I ever followed and I have learned so much from your observations and advice. Thank you. In truth, bullies are jealous of what others have and act out from lack of self esteem. In the end, it is all rock and roll. Keep writing because I will be reading. Towanda and beyond.
I am sorry, I just can’t imagine mature women being that cruel. My mother always said “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Life is too short to engage in negative conversation. As women, we should all support each other, god knows life is just hard and it can be damn painful with out discouraging comments about what your wearing or how you look. I just found your blog and look forward to it every day! I encourage you to hit the “block” button when you encounter negative words. Keep on shinning!
Bravo! I enjoy your blog and find it to be both helpful and entertaining. It’s sad to think that there are grown women who still have that 3rd grade playground mentality.
Stay happy and keep blogging!
I have learned to respond and not react.
I take time to process the situation, and then respond accordingly.
Usually when one reacts in a situation as described, it quickly escalates into sparring back and forth.
When one takes the time and responds rather then reacts, the outcome is much better.
No use in engaging with someone who gives off negative vibes.
You look good with whatever you are wearing. I cannot buy from your sources. I am on a fixed income, so I use your suggestions when I do buy clothing that I can afford. Keep up the good work.
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry this happened to you. I look forward to your posts and really enjoy your style.
I’m kinda in the “style” business myself, as a costumer for live theatre all over the San Jose – South Bay area.
I was recently written up for the paper for my work and can be critiqued in theatre publications. It’s interesting, I have no qualms about my critiques for my work, but people seem to think it’s also time to critique my personal style – well, sometimes I guess I’m not super stylish when I’m working, getting threads and sewing debris, even paint on me – I’ve had to say to some folks – get a life!
Thanks for your positive attitude and your very informative blog – I know it helps me and so many others work towards being “well-styled”. You’re a gem1
I enjoy your postings and pictures and look forward to them every day. It is a sad commentary when women do not support other women. Keep shining your beautiful light.
Very sorry this happened to you, and sad to say I am not surprised. I follow a few style bloggers and I think they have all had similar experiences. I am also a recent t retiree and enjoy your posts very much. Whether I will do the same look is my own choice, but I am grateful to you for sharing with us.
Gosh, the internet brings out some crazies. And unhappy people looking for a way to strike out. Glad you blocked her and moved on. I love your blog and have gotten some great tips and ideas from you.
So sorry Jennifer. It’s so easy for someone who does not relate to your look to just move on. Click off the page. Read someone else. No need to put anyone down. You don’t deserve any of that. That’s just a nasty person.
Hi Jennifer, so sorry you have experienced mean spirited people on your blog. They truly are a bore! I think, I would delete & ban them immediately. More than likely it’s someone with no life who is jealous of your success. Let that negativity just die and concentrate on your many, many, followers who find you relevant, stylish, and interesting. I appreciate you for being here and helping women our age who are not particularly supported by the fashion industry. I for one, am tired of seeing teenagers on the cover of women’s magazines and I don’t need advice on pretty much anything from a thirty year old starlet. Blogging gives us insight into real lives and I thank you for sharing yours.
Inhale Peace, exhale Joy!
Or Inhale Peace, exhale Drama!
So wise! Thank you xx
I’m sorry that someone felt she could say whatever she wanted.
If this woman is reading these many comments, she’ll realize she’s not respected and perhaps she should re-evaluate herself.
Sorry you have had to deal with this and so sorry it probably isn’t the only time. Sheesh, it really is ridiculous.
I love your blog and I like you “just the way your are”.
Suz from Vancouver
It’s not the first time but goes with the territory. Thanks Suz!
I am a faithful reader and never commenter. However, today I am compelled to add my voice to all the others. You are a joy to read because you are grounded, honest and open. Bullying comes in many forms and it seems to be sanctioned these days. It is nothing to do with you even though it is very hurtful. Please stay strong and true.
Jennifer
Like almost everyone commenting, I thoroughly enjoy your blog. The negative and sometimes vitriolic posts people put on social media has been increasing and there is nothing wrong with putting some ground rules for posting comments on your blog site. Then, when someone posts inappropriate comments, you can let them know they are being blocked for violating the ground rules….
Keep up the great work – you help us all look our best.