Civility and Style
I had another post planned for today but felt this was more timely. This topic has been on my mind for weeks, then events over the weekend brought it to a head. I invite you to agree or disagree with me but for the sake of civility, please be polite.
When I was in middle school, the mean girls ruled by intimidation. I wasn’t part of their crowd so was fair game. Their weapon was to publicly humiliate me for what I was wearing. Sadly, some of those mean girls have grown into mean women who feel entitled to do the same.
As a style blogger, I put myself out there in the public eye and welcome feedback. When negative comments cross the line to name calling and cruelty, they’ve gone too far. Social media can feel like a battlefield some days and my Facebook page became the front line last Friday.
A woman commented that I was narcissistic and shallow for sharing pictures of what I wore. Hello? She was on the business page for my blog which makes it pretty clear what I do. She said my outfit looked boring and insisted I had to wear more color because that’s what women with careers did. She began private messaging me where her comments crossed the line to vicious. I finally banned her from my page and deleted the entire exchange.
This got me thinking about women who aren’t style bloggers. Women who wish to try new styles and change their look. Many of us need to transition our style because of retirement, physical challenges, or other lifestyle changes. Some of us are just ready for a change.
We’re bombarded with enough messages about how we should and shouldn’t look. We’re told we shouldn’t wear certain fashions because of our age, shape, size, etc, etc. When you add the verbal critiques from other women into the mix…you have the perfect storm to cripple some woman’s style creativity.
I’m not the only one who has overheard 2 or more women, openly pick apart another woman’s appearance. It’s called gossip and it’s mean. Offhand comments do more damage than you might imagine. We need to support and encourage other women’s fashion choices. Just because it’s not your style doesn’t make it wrong.
What do you think?
Have you got a great retort for critiques about how you look?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
and daily…Bullies are always bullies… unless they have a “roadside experience”!!! It’s how they feel OK about themselves. Sad really…But to end on an up note. Thank you Jennifer for your commitment to keeping us all in the know…Love your Blog / sb
They always are so I like to keep them at a distance:) Thanks Sue
Jennifer, this post moved me so much. I was so sad to read that you were bullied at school – and that someone had been using bullying behaviour through your Blog. It is also sad that, to this very day, children in schools across the world are still being bullied. Some responses mentioned school uniforms and whilst I agree uniforms equalise the student population – here in Australia 99.9% percent of schools have uniforms and bullying still takes place. As a child, when girls said mean things to me my mother used to say it was jealousy. It really didn’t help me then but the cuddle that went with the statement did make me feel safe. As an adult I can see what she meant – this woman who attacked you is clearly jealous. I love your Blog – love, love all your black – I can see that you (like me) feel more confident in black and your clothes are suitable for all occasion AND definitely aren’t boring – they are classic and tasteful……Also love the fact that you are the only Blogger I know who talks about caravanning clothes……Keep strong and keep wearing exactly what makes you feel good.
Thank you so much for your kind words an support Joy!! Bullying is so unacceptable. It hurts me to think of children enduring it.
I enjoy what you post and most of what you wear. Even when I do not care for what you wear, I admire the overall presentation and how you share what is going on while you are wearing the clothing. Its like a nice chat with a friend. I think that observing new ideas in fashion can lead to growth, personally and professionally. Your blog is fun, informative, and makes me happy when I read it. Thank you for the fun you bring with your post! SK
Thanks so much SK! I appreciate your support.
I need to add my comments on how much I enjoy reading your blog. As others have said, I don’t always want to wear everything you wear, but you are always thoughtful in your comments and it makes me think carefully about what I wear and buy. This is a huge help!
“Haters will always hate”, it’s terrible,but true. I’m so sorry you were subject to those comments. You bring a smile to me when I read your blog – and to so many others. Thanks so much.
CJ
Thank you CJ! I’m so glad you’re here and grateful you enjoy my blog.
Good for you. Bullying is everywhere. And you were right to stand up and speak out that this is bad behavior. And that you are not tolerating it on your Facebook page or anywhere else.
Jennifer, this post is brilliant. I have followed your blog for a long time but seldom comment.Today I must. I love your writing, your attitude towards life, and your style. Thanks for putting yourself out there, and please know that you and your work are highly valued.
Thank you Cynthia! I’m so glad you’re here.
Jennifer,
I am so sorry to read this. I am afraid some people do not know the difference between offering a honest critique and blatant criticism. A critique always strives to find a positive in the picture whereas criticism is often just nasty and personal.
When ever I offer a critique I really look closely to find what doesn’t work for ME. In many cases I am looking for the blogger to offer an alternative idea but if I have found an alternative that works for me I feel free to offer it up knowing that it too might not work for all. Bottom line is we can agree to disagree in a respectful , kind way. One only needs to read ‘comments’ in FB to see how what started out as a respectful conversation between a supportive group can devolve into a cruel case of rudeness and name calling.
Jennifer, work hard to let go of those nasty memories from the past.
They don’t serve you, they just cast black shadows on your psyche. I know it’s difficult but most of us have been there and are always here to support you. <3
Thank you so much Allison. Toxic people serve no one, not even themselves. Facebook can be a sewer if you let it. I won’t allow that to be.
I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s the ugly side of social media. I never understand someone’s need to be mean but find it in abundance. I keep wondering when they will grow out of it! I love Brene Brown’s comeback to the trolls who hide and are too cowardly to put themselves out there: “If you’re not in the arena getting your butt kicked too, I’m not interested in your feedback.” xo
I know you’ve dealt with the worst of this, Jenn. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I adore Brene Brown. I’ve read all her books and adore the score by her. It is electrifying.xx
You have a wonderful blog. Don’t listen to one bully. Ban, block and be done with it. I’m so sorry that one person’s bad behavior caused you so much stress. I follow a lot of fashion blogs, and rarely is there anything other than polite supportive interaction.
Thank you Lisa! Most bloggers deal with this. Sadly it goes with the territory.
I missed this post yesterday, so when I saw your comments today, I had to go back and read it. The person who criticized you clearly has “issues” and probably not much of a life. One of the pitfalls of social media, is that some people feel “safe” hiding behind it to “say” things they would NEVER say in “real life”. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Thinking of you…
Thank you, Marty. It is a plague on social media so we just need to ignore them and block, block, block.
Jennifer, I am sorry to learn of the negative experience you had, which was obviously from someone who is afflicted with a false sense of self-importance. I enjoy your blog very much, because you give practical good advice. You are articulate & engaging in your posts. In fact, I think you are introspective in what you say, & you have made me see that my appearance as an extension of myself. The truth is that you are not boring in anyway; you are a delight. I would venture to say that It is more likely that you are the victim of envy than anything else, because you live what appears to be a charmed life. You are a lovely person who takes good care of herself. You have a beautiful family you share with us & you use your blog positively for women to gain confidence. There is always some bully who wants to level the playing field by trying to knock down a a pulled together person such as yourself down a couple pegs in a feable attempt to make themselves feel better about their own wretched lives. So, I say, shame on her & well done you! Keep it up, we enjoy learning from you!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Tracey. Trust me, I do not live a charmed life:) Blogs that show whitewashed versions of their life simply make me feel bad about my own so my goal is to be as real as I can. She was toxic from the get-go and I suspect a very unhappy woman. Good riddance to her.