Civility and Style
I had another post planned for today but felt this was more timely. This topic has been on my mind for weeks, then events over the weekend brought it to a head. I invite you to agree or disagree with me but for the sake of civility, please be polite.
When I was in middle school, the mean girls ruled by intimidation. I wasn’t part of their crowd so was fair game. Their weapon was to publicly humiliate me for what I was wearing. Sadly, some of those mean girls have grown into mean women who feel entitled to do the same.
As a style blogger, I put myself out there in the public eye and welcome feedback. When negative comments cross the line to name calling and cruelty, they’ve gone too far. Social media can feel like a battlefield some days and my Facebook page became the front line last Friday.
A woman commented that I was narcissistic and shallow for sharing pictures of what I wore. Hello? She was on the business page for my blog which makes it pretty clear what I do. She said my outfit looked boring and insisted I had to wear more color because that’s what women with careers did. She began private messaging me where her comments crossed the line to vicious. I finally banned her from my page and deleted the entire exchange.
This got me thinking about women who aren’t style bloggers. Women who wish to try new styles and change their look. Many of us need to transition our style because of retirement, physical challenges, or other lifestyle changes. Some of us are just ready for a change.
We’re bombarded with enough messages about how we should and shouldn’t look. We’re told we shouldn’t wear certain fashions because of our age, shape, size, etc, etc. When you add the verbal critiques from other women into the mix…you have the perfect storm to cripple some woman’s style creativity.
I’m not the only one who has overheard 2 or more women, openly pick apart another woman’s appearance. It’s called gossip and it’s mean. Offhand comments do more damage than you might imagine. We need to support and encourage other women’s fashion choices. Just because it’s not your style doesn’t make it wrong.
What do you think?
Have you got a great retort for critiques about how you look?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
I found your post very interesting. I have learned as I age that some women have hidden insecurities which they project through very unhealthy comments to others.
That being said, I find that although some things you suggest might not work for me other things are awesome ideas I never might have thought of.
Fashion is personal to each person and I like the fact we get to share ideas and learn new things…..even stretch our imaginations now and then.
It is unfortunate some people just cannot open their minds to new ideas. Keep posting so those like myself, who feel you have some great tips can continue to enjoy them.
It always amazes me when I hear women being cruel about and to other women about something as powerful as our clothes. Thanks for being here Sue!
I eagerly look forward to every column of yours and have encouraged friends to check it out. There isn’t much attention focused on older women so I read everything that I can and filter it for what applies to me. I’m so thankful that I happened upon you and your practical and well intentioned tips ranging from wardrobe to health and makeup. I’m saddened and angry that you have to even have exchanges with mean spirited people. All they have to do is not read your blog. Bless you and your life.
I’m so happy you’re here and enjoy my blog, Holley! We all have different styles and just because I may not be able to wear what a woman chooses, doesn’t mean I will criticize her.
Your fashion sense is delightful, but it’s also great that you share your life with readers ; nothing narcissistic about explaining your fun with family and friends to women of similar age and interests. You have frequently inspired me beyond fashion, like when hubby and I started talking about retirement living when you were looking. Horrible that someone treated you badly!
Thanks, Laura! We are still on that hunt and just picked up our trailer from the repair shop so will be off soon to check other spots!
There will always be those who have a need to make themselves feel “better-than” by attacking others. My personal belief is that as women, we are attacked plenty (by the media, society, etc.). We don’t need to treat other women poorly. Recognize that we are a sisterhood! Someone I know recently made a nasty comment to me. My response to her was: “What you said to me was very hurtful. I don’t see you as that kind of person”. My comment gave her room to think about what she said, and she apologized! I know this type of response is not always possible, but I think we can begin to build a loving sisterhood by helping those closest to us see that hurtful comments are not welcome.
I love that response you gave her, Linda! Upfront honesty is always best.
Thanks so much for sharing one of the challenges of your public life and how your you handled it. The WWW has introduced another way to spread viciousness. You’re really brave to face the possibility day after day. Our interests are what help us get out of bed every day and, for me, keep out of my grown children’s hair (LOL) and for that they’re very thankful. Thanks for sharing your interests and enthusiasms with us.
My favorite line in your post was “deleted the entire exchange”. Which sounds to me like moving on — a life skill I feel is important to know when to do.
I’m continually shocked that these ‘mean girls’ still exist, even at ‘our age’. But they do. Being able to quickly identify them helps to make life more pleasant. I was recently the target of a wide spread cyber-bullying campaign brought on by one of them. It was painful, stressful and I emerged smarter and stronger. Lesson learned.
Jennifer, you provide a valuable resource for women who are interested in looking and feeling their best. Kudos to you. The impact you’ve made is important and so is your message.
Hugs and respect, Kimberly
I had no idea you had to endure that Kimberly! I’m so sorry. That is simply awful! These bullies are intolerable and flushing them quickly is so important! xoxo
You said it perfectly! I am fairly new to reading lifestyle/ fashion blogs, however, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading everything you write! This is what it’s about ????. Please don’t let the negative or cruel comments bother you; these women unfortunately have issues — and they have to put people down in order to feel good about themselves… That’s NOT you and I’m grateful for that!
Me ke aloha pumehana,*
Lisa
*With warm personal regards,
The lack of civility is found all over. I hope you can continue to delete the rude comments and focus on what you do so well. There is a reason that so many women read your posts! If they are like me, they like your style and enjoy the way you share your adventures. To borrow and adapt from a famous saying” The mean have always been with us”. The difference is that now they enjoy a platform that promises anonymity.
Bravo, and kudos to you for posting this today.
First and foremost, I think you are amazing and I love your blog. Do not doubt yourself! You are classy and elegant, and I love how caring you are toward your readers. Your posts are well written, thoughtful, uplifting, and inspiring. You have a wonderfuly balanced worldview. I suspect that the women was mean spirited because she has so little in her life and she has so little to offer she needs to resort to nastiness; such individuals have to lash out because it is what makes them feel better, or so they think. When I encounter such an individual, I remind myself of two great quotes from Madeleine Albright. The first quote is, “There is a special place in hell for women who do not support other women.” The second quote is “We should use our opinions to start discussions, not end them.”
I love those quotes! I know she was a person in pain, most nasty people are. Thanks so much for your support and reading:) It means a lot to me.
Jennifer, thank you so much for taking the time to share a portion of your life with us. I retired a few years ago and I miss the daily contact and conversation with women, you and other bloggers fill that void for me. Thank you! You and other bloggers give me inspiration to stay current. I don’t “dress up” daily but I do dress up when I leave the house…even if it is only to the cleaners, grocery, pharmacy, going out to local restaurant etc. I truly believe I get better service and I know that I feel better when I look better. I’ve learned that the old adage is true, “if you don’t have anything nice to say – don’t say anything.” Just because I may be critical or in bad mood doesn’t mean someone else is. Keep on doing what you do – I LOVE it and enjoy your company more than you know????
Wow – love all the supportive and positive comments that you are receiving.
You have a wonderful community of readers.
I am moved deeply by my reader support and comments. It quite simply floors me
It is my 30 year High School reunion this weekend – not attending. Don’t need to relive those times and be judged all over again. Thanks so much for being brave enough to put yourself out there. I really appreciate your styles and views on life. I wouldn’t / couldn’t wear everything you feature, but that is what makes us individuals and I appreciate getting a fresh perspective. Thanks so much being you.
Thank you for reading Carol! It’s never easy to put ourselves in the crosshairs. I’m so glad you know whats best for you. Self care is critical. Xx
Thank you so much for what you do. You have helped me so much in making style choices. It is harder to dress ourselves as we get older and our bodies change and I appreciate your information.
I’m so happy I’m helpful Konda!!
I’m so sorry you had to put up with this unkind and ridiculous behavior. You handled the situation perfectly. I just discovered your blog recently and am really enjoying it. It’s useful to me as I’m trying to refine and improve my post-retirement wardrobe. I appreciate all the time and effort you put into your blog and hope you keep up the good work.
When I look at a styling blog I go through and find ones that are close to my style. So I can get ideas of something new to put together or try to find what is new. I love looking at fun blogs of women who are so confident they wear wild clothes, even though I don’t. I am not looking to see and judge how that woman looks. I guess I was raised to be polite and to think for myself. Not pay attention to what others say. It is their problem not mine if they don’t like me for whatever reason. The women who are judging harshly should be blocked. That isn’t what the blog is about. I have found blogs fun and informational. So please don’t stop. Someone who harrsasses you even into a private conversation, that is just plain wrong. The only response I can think of is ban them, you weren’t asking for an opinion, in conversations with anybody that starts saying mean things I have said “if you can’t say something nice , don’t say anything at all” they shut up and didn’t knock people in front of me anymore.
I read thru all the replies, I bet those mean girls never had so many nice things said about them.
Thanks for all you do to help others.
Thank you Joan…I am so moved by everyone’s comments. I can’t thank you enough!
Hi Jennifer – I’m so sorry you had this experience.
I keep coming back to where you say, “I put myself out there”. That is not easy for any of us, bloggers included, to do. Exposing yourself to comments from readers means we have to be brave. I live by always respecting other people’s opinions, even if I don’t always agree with those opinions and I hope they do the same for me.
I am grateful that you shared your story so openly.
Cheers,
Deborah
http://www.fabulousafter40.com
Thanks, Deborah! You bravely put yourself out there all the time also, so know the bravery it takes.
Please keep up the good work for all of us who check your blog daily and look forward to some great fashion advice.
I can’t even imagine why other women would even take the time to leave negative comments. Obviously, they have no lives and feel the need to hurt others to make themselves feel superior. If only they knew how silly they appear showing their insecurity in such a childish manner.
Love your blog! Thanks so much!
Couldn’t agree more! I’m so sorry she had to take her own issues out on you! I find you helpful, refreshing and just delightful!! Keep encouraging us to be aware of fashion sense!!
My southern mother reminded me often, “If you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all”. So many people on social media these days think their opinions are so exceptional that they will say anything (without listening to what they just said!!) I don’t always love the outfits style bloggers wear,but I value your opinion and take suggestions, because I, too, am in a a transitional time in my life and change may be just what I need!