Monday Musings: On Trying New Things, Even When It Feels Unfamiliar
Happy Monday, ladies. This week I’ve been thinking about making new friends and how long it’s been since my nervous system truly relaxed.
We joined two clubs last week, partly because we’re new to town and wanted to get more connected in our community, but also because making friends at this age doesn’t happen automatically anymore.
There’s no natural structure, the way there was when our children were young. Back then, friendships formed all the time, with little effort. You stood on the sidelines at a soccer game long enough, or waited through enough ballet classes, and eventually you started talking to the same people over and over again. Familiarity did most of the work for you, and natural connections formed and grew over the years.
Now, there is no sideline. You have to put yourself in the room on purpose.
I’ll admit, it feels a little awkward. Not terrible, just unfamiliar. Especially for an introvert like me (yes its true). You walk in, aware that everyone else seems to know where they belong, and you’re not quite sure where to stand or how long to linger. It reminds me of the first day at a new school, except now you have decades of life experience and still feel oddly unsure of yourself in that moment.
What’s different now is that friendships aren’t formed out of necessity. They’re formed out of choice. And choice requires more intention. You have to decide to go. Decide to introduce yourself. Decide to come back again, even if the first time feels inconclusive.
I don’t expect instant friendships. But I would like to find them over time. And familiarity… to recognize someone and be recognized in return. To have small conversations that feel a little less tentative each time.
That’s usually how it begins…with repetition and shared space. It may take longer now, but it’s still possible.
I’m curious how you’ve made friends at this stage of life. Did it happen naturally, or did you have to be more deliberate about putting yourself in new places?
I suspect many of us are figuring this out as we go.
Accupuncture
I’m also thinking about acupuncture.
I met a practitioner at a sound bath a few weeks ago and was fortunate to get an appointment with her last week. She’s also my daughter’s Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, which made it easier to walk in and trust the process.
We spent time talking before anything began. Not just about my symptoms (of which there are many…), but about how I’ve been feeling overall. Once I was on the table, she placed the needles and checked my pulse frequently, watching how my body responded. At one point, she said that when she calmed one area, another would react. My system wasn’t settling all at once.
That sounded familiar.
The best part was certainly how I felt afterward. I was deeply calm. Not tired, just relaxed in a way that felt unfamiliar. I remember thinking I could easily lie down and nap, which never happens to me in the middle of the day.
It made me realize how accustomed I’ve become to carrying a low level of tension without noticing it. It had quietly become my normal.
Many years ago, I had an integrative medicine physician who was also trained in acupuncture, and I trusted her deeply. When she moved away, I lost that layer of support and have missed it ever since. This experience reminded me what it feels like when your nervous system finally lets go.
I’ve always believed in being open to different ways of supporting the body, especially when they work alongside good medical care.
So with that in mind, I’m curious if any of you have tried acupuncture? And what other ways are you unwinding tension these days?
Like many others, we sold our home and moved to an in-town condo building after many years in a suburban house. We have met and made friends with all sorts of people by just chatting with them hither and yon…at building meetings, at the elevator, in the laundry room. We have also joined building committees. Two of us started a mystery book club by chatting at the elevator. Neighbors introduced us to others. People are never intrusive and never knock on doors uninvited. We help each other on all sorts of occasions. Lovely experience overall.
I was widowed suddenly 1 1/2 years ago. I am still navigating life as a single person but feel blessed every day that I live in a 55 plus community. I have an amazing group of friends who support each other in all kinds of ways. I play pickleball which is great socializing and also lots of cards and other activities. My relaxation comes from nature and walking/hiking. I work on balance and strength. I’m lucky I’m healthy and able to be active. My faith keeps me grounded too.
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband.
I tried several sessions of acupuncture many years ago. The practitioner was only trained in using it for addiction but thought it might help with my anxiety. The needles were placed at spots in the ear. I did notice a difference. I felt sleepy and drained after the sessions. I stopped going because, while I knew acupuncture did something, the practitioner was not well trained. I would definitely consider doing it again with someone else, especially for something like pain or muscle soreness.
First of all, I am an introvert also. It’s not easy making friends at my age in the 70s. I don’t attend church or belong to any clubs. As the Brits say, i keep myself to myself. I been known to avoid neighbors standing in their yard by pretending I don’t see them. LOL. I have made friends with one of my neighbors whose husband died 2 years ago. My husband and I have sort of adopted her, inviting her for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners and other times during the year. It’s an easy friendship. I was born in the Midwest where I think it is easier to make friends. I was in for a shock when I moved to New England. They really keep to themselves! Now I live in Florida. At my age you really do have to put in a lot of effort to make friends. It is not easy. I did try acupuncture and I enjoyed it. It is a great stress reducer!
Hi Jennifer,
Someone suggested acupuncture for me when I was coming to grips with breast cancer and going through chemo and radiation. Acupuncture is so good for stress, and I would have a session a couple of days after the chemo to help me relax, and then after the treatments finished completely, I continued for another two years for chronic insomnia. I found it so calming and I met the right practitioner and office that also really helped me on the journey of finding wellbeing. I thought for a while of training in acupuncture! So I really loved it. Right now to “unwind” I am sewing again: making a quilt top and enjoying putting all my colors together. That and walking every day my 10,000 steps! Have a lovely week!
The steps are so important. I really notice more stress when I’m sedentary.
First of all you look wonderful in that blueberry colored down jacket. It is a wonderfully, joyful color. As far as making friends I tend to be passive so I have probably missed a lot of opportunities in past years. But, my husband and I live in a small town and I started going to the First Friday of the month coffee chat at the library about a year ago. I then connected with a couple gals my age 50’s to 60’s. Flash forward one of the ladies is very bubbly and started inviting me to her birthday party , to a pizza night etc and on Valentine’s day this year I found myself at a delightful Galentines breakfast. It is a sweet and fun group. And after living in this small town for 17 years I am finally meeting some folks. Timing? Not sure but after Covid I did find myself more outgoing.
Fabulous!
As a lifelong knitter, I have met the most amazing people. Although we live in different states we have managed to meet for a weekend of knitting, laughter, and food twice a year for over 20 years. We have shared the best and worst of life throughout the years and now we meet once a week via zoom. Look for a group of knitters. Most are kind, talented, generous and welcoming women.
I do miss my knitting group we moved away from.
We made a big move about 18 months ago to a community where we knew no one. Both my husband and I already belonged to clubs that we were able to transfer our membership, that was very helpful. Our new home is in the south near the Gulf of Mexico and we chose an over 55 community, with lots of activities to choose from. It’s made the transition so much easier.
I just wanted to say how much I enjoy reading your blog each morning with a cup of coffee. I’m 5 ft and 69 but young at heart. I really enjoy seeing your outfits even if some are out of my price range you also help me expand what I look at. I was brought up with a British mother who always had a flare, whether it was with hats, scarves,belts , on a budget she always looked put together. She once said she never owned a pair of jeans but when she passed I found one with her sitting on steps with head back and rolled up jeans in her 20s looking like a young Marilyn Monroe.! I used to joke my mom probably had a girdle on vacuuming. She was a reminder that looking put together doesn’t take a lot of time or money. She lived to 97 but even at the nursing home was known for her style, I miss her and thank you for taking me back in memories and also looking forward to being a well put together old lady!
Welcome! She sounds like an amazing woman.
Good morning! Many years ago I had acupuncture from a Chinese Medicine Practitioner to quit smoking. He also placed a staple in my ear. It immediately took away any cravings. It is very relaxing.
Wow!
After moving to the South in my mid sixties five years ago I too have gone through and continue to go through the process of meeting new people. I joined a health club and participate in group classes and have made a few friends there which led to monthly book club and game nights. I also joined a civic group with community involvement. Recently I joined a mahjong group. People have been friendly however many have lived here for a long time so outside of the group meeting time they seem to be busy with family and other commitments.
I have found that volunteering my time at a non profit charity has been a great source for friendship as well.
Your post on making new friends outside of being a “parent” really hit home. As I get closer to retirement, I realize that outside of my kids and work friends, my circle has diminished. I will take the step to get outside of my comfort zone and join a new club. One that interests ME and brings me joy. (Garden, Volunteer, Church, Fitness Center?) Thank You and I thoroughly enjoy reading your column every day.
I returned to my home town after living away for over 22 years. I initially caught up with some school friends, but too much time had passed just to pick up from where left. Many people at our age are not looking for new friends as they already have them, or their families take up a lot of their time. I made some new friends at work and those friendships have lasted, but really can’t be bothered making any effort these days to meet new people. It sounds as if you are more sociable than me and I hope the groups do pan out for you. Glad the acupuncture was successful – a hot stone massage is my go to tension reliever
We’ve made friends in our walkable urban neighborhood, through repeated interactions, as you describe. Attendance at regular community meetings helped a lot. Taking a leadership position for a while at a minor organization helped. Making friends with a highly social person who loves to entertain helped. (We didn’t become friends with that intent, but it did help nevertheless.)
Several years ago, I started the practice of looking for opportunities to connect with people I know, even acquaintances. The perfect time to send a little text about something relevant to them. The check-in if it had been too long. Not overwhelming people, but also not getting so caught up in my own day-to-day that I forget to nurture my relationships. This system works really well for me.
It’s not smooth and easy like when we were young, is it!
Great question! I recently responded to a blog post that was (re)introducing the idea of an old-fashioned pen pal. You are to handwrite letters and send them USPS. At one time I could sit and write long, lovely letters, my thoughts and handwriting flowed without issue. For now, we have only exchanged Valentines cards, and I felt like a third-grade student who had very clunky writing skills.
Will it turn into a real-life friend situation? I have no idea!
Over ten years ago, I did connect with someone who shared a common interest with me, on Facebook. We often meet halfway between our homes to have lunch and shop. Emails are exchanged a few times a week with a smattering of text messages and phone calls. Our husbands have also become friends. Good things do happen in our later years of life!
As for the pen pal, I plan to continue on, but who knows, maybe my “pal” doesn’t?
I am 71. I could easily retire, but I don’t want to because of the social connections. I have every day with my staff and donors. I’m still productive and effective albeit slightly tired. One thing I did that was very hard is give up wine. I love it, but I realized I am not a social drinker. I’m a daily drinker. I had the bad liver panel. I worked too hard to stay fit and healthy to kill my liver with a habit. regarding acupuncture I’ve had it on and off Since 1976. It’s wonderful if you can find the right person. Thank you so much for your blog. I love it.
Thanks for being here and sharing, Julie
I am putting myself out to a group of women at the Y
Not awkward anymore they are welcoming. We have interesting conversations. I enjoy being with them.
Perhaps not for everyone, but I made new friends by joining a choir! It’s very ‘low-key’ – no auditions, you just have to love to sing. We do a concert a couple of times a year so that there’s something to work towards to, and our weekly practices are full of laughter. Whenever I’m out now I usually run into one or two fellow singers, and that’s such a nice feeling. If my husband is with me, he always says, ‘who was that? Don’t tell me, someone from the choir.’ We live in his home town but sometimes it seems that I know more people than he does.
Woah boy did your friendship post strike a nerve with me. We moved to a new community and town only 6 months ago with the plan that this is it until we can no longer live independently. There are tons of activities, clubs, etc. but we’ve yet to make any “friends.” At my age, I’m not looking for a new “best” friend, but hope to find some acquaintances that I can grab a coffee with occasionally. My husband is a golfer so we’re hoping that leads to some new connections. I did join the book club and at the first two meetings when I tried to grab a seat I was told at 3 separate tables that the seat was “saved.” I didn’t let that stop me though. The next few meetings I would grab a seat at an empty table and just waited for it to fill or not. I do not plan to stop going and have yet to connect with anyone, but it’s a bit disappointing that the cliques still exist even in 55 plus women. I have a very lovely circle of close friends but everyone lives 3 hours away or more so we connect via phone when we can and plan “reunions” at least once a year. Old friends really are the best because they know your history.
I hear you about the cliques!! They exist where live too.