Monday Musings: On Trying New Things, Even When It Feels Unfamiliar
Happy Monday, ladies. This week I’ve been thinking about making new friends and how long it’s been since my nervous system truly relaxed.
We joined two clubs last week, partly because we’re new to town and wanted to get more connected in our community, but also because making friends at this age doesn’t happen automatically anymore.
There’s no natural structure, the way there was when our children were young. Back then, friendships formed all the time, with little effort. You stood on the sidelines at a soccer game long enough, or waited through enough ballet classes, and eventually you started talking to the same people over and over again. Familiarity did most of the work for you, and natural connections formed and grew over the years.
Now, there is no sideline. You have to put yourself in the room on purpose.
I’ll admit, it feels a little awkward. Not terrible, just unfamiliar. Especially for an introvert like me (yes its true). You walk in, aware that everyone else seems to know where they belong, and you’re not quite sure where to stand or how long to linger. It reminds me of the first day at a new school, except now you have decades of life experience and still feel oddly unsure of yourself in that moment.
What’s different now is that friendships aren’t formed out of necessity. They’re formed out of choice. And choice requires more intention. You have to decide to go. Decide to introduce yourself. Decide to come back again, even if the first time feels inconclusive.
I don’t expect instant friendships. But I would like to find them over time. And familiarity… to recognize someone and be recognized in return. To have small conversations that feel a little less tentative each time.
That’s usually how it begins…with repetition and shared space. It may take longer now, but it’s still possible.
I’m curious how you’ve made friends at this stage of life. Did it happen naturally, or did you have to be more deliberate about putting yourself in new places?
I suspect many of us are figuring this out as we go.
Accupuncture
I’m also thinking about acupuncture.
I met a practitioner at a sound bath a few weeks ago and was fortunate to get an appointment with her last week. She’s also my daughter’s Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, which made it easier to walk in and trust the process.
We spent time talking before anything began. Not just about my symptoms (of which there are many…), but about how I’ve been feeling overall. Once I was on the table, she placed the needles and checked my pulse frequently, watching how my body responded. At one point, she said that when she calmed one area, another would react. My system wasn’t settling all at once.
That sounded familiar.
The best part was certainly how I felt afterward. I was deeply calm. Not tired, just relaxed in a way that felt unfamiliar. I remember thinking I could easily lie down and nap, which never happens to me in the middle of the day.
It made me realize how accustomed I’ve become to carrying a low level of tension without noticing it. It had quietly become my normal.
Many years ago, I had an integrative medicine physician who was also trained in acupuncture, and I trusted her deeply. When she moved away, I lost that layer of support and have missed it ever since. This experience reminded me what it feels like when your nervous system finally lets go.
I’ve always believed in being open to different ways of supporting the body, especially when they work alongside good medical care.
So with that in mind, I’m curious if any of you have tried acupuncture? And what other ways are you unwinding tension these days?
I find that as I get older (I’m 75), I find myself more selective about who I want to spend my time with. My best friend (since I was 16!) doesn’t live near me but when we talk on the phone we can pick up the conversation like no time has passed. My close friends are my three sisters-in-law. I know they would be there for me and I for them. I am very much an introvert. I don’t have time or inclination for shallow relationships anymore. We do live in an over 55 community as well, and while there are some nice people here, it is VERY clique-ish and I just don’t have time for the drama, plus I find it draining to be around people all the time. Some people love it, nothing wrong with it, I guess we are all different.
I’m very supportive of acupuncture with personal experience in successful treatment of chronic fatigue syndrome and planter fasciitis.
Great post about a subject rarely discussed. Making new friends and connections later in life is supposedly one of the best ways to improve health and quality of life. I look for connections–just people to interact with, who may or may not become friends–at church and in my neighborhood. I try to have low expectations and give it time. Just having a conversation is enough.
I love a massage and yoga! 🧘♀️
I have been going to an acupuncturist for decades. He also does cupping. He relieves my muscle aches and pains ( and I have many health issues) almost immediately. I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders and back. I always leave his office walking on cloud nine! I enthusiastically recommend going to an acupuncturist!
I have tried acupuncture for sinus issues, and I think that it is effective. My acupuncturist retired, so I need to find someone new. I’d like to learn more about acupressure as well.
My attitude about making friends now that I am retired is to do some things that I like that are in a group setting, instead of doing solo things. At the minimum, you are around people for the activity so you have one thing in common, and you are doing something you enjoy!
The Assistance League is great for connecting with people, and I always thought that if I moved to a new area I would immediately join the Assistance League. They have created a community for their volunteers with a lot of social events and activities, along with the volunteer work that you do as a member.
Great suggestion
I met a new friend in the food court at Costco. We talked for awhile, exchanged phone numbers. Ended up going to lunch, have friends in common and our husbands like each other. It’s a win win. Actupuncture is wonderful.
Wow that’s great
It certainly is harder to make new friends at an older age. When my best friend and my sister died within a few years of each other I have felt lost. We have a group of golfers that have become really great friends. In the winter we meet for drinks but miss my friend and my sister dearly. I am really curious about acupuncture and coping with stress. The struggle is real!
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, that’s really tough.
After retiring from being a Realtor for 27 years I knew I needed to be around people! I joined a drawing class, a ukulele group (there are 90 musicians in our group) & I volunteer at a local museum & in prison ministry. I’ve found being around people with similar interests sparks friendships. And volunteering is good for my body, soul & mind! It brings me so much joy!
For introverts there are ‘Silent Book Clubs’ worldwide.
Thank you, Jennifer for the fashion information you share, as well as your common sense wisdom!
Silent book clubs sound interesting
After 50 years as an adult in Chicago, my husband wanted to move away for our retirement. We ended up in Santa Fe almost 6 years ago. We didn’t know a soul and I am a major introvert. We were extremely lucky in that we moved into a new development with many retirees who had also moved here and didn’t know anyone. But I had to put myself out there and that was stressful. My best advice is to join things that truly interest you: lifelong learning group, pickleball, book club (library), HOA (unless it’s toxic), etc. Don’t get stuck on the “shoulds,” volunteering for things you’re not really interested in. If you meet some friendly neighbors, invite them over for a glass of wine and simple snacks. You will attract lots of people wanting to be your friend once they have met you.
I live in San Diego. There’s an organization I have heard about and finally checked it out. Not sure if this is available in all states in the U.S., but its called Oasis, funded partly through Medicare and through private funds. They say this is for 50+ age group. Perhaps there are other organizations that are structured for this age group around the country. Classes offered are everything from Art Appreciation, pottery, knitting expertise, languages, yoga, pickleball to name a few. Anyway, I tried it out and met some lovely people. I’m considering taking more classes to make some acquaintances.
Great tip!
I agree , it is not easy meeting people when you are retired ,unless you join groups that interest you. I have joined a quilt group , and that is once a week . I did not know how to quilt when I joined. We quilt for charity groups. We support each other by sharing our life’s journey. We bring our lunch. We sew on sewing machines, sew, pin quilts together there. I also recommend a book club that reads books you enjoy. I also joined a group of women at my church. We meet for social and lunch once a month. The groups are very casual, and no
pressure of any kind . The women are super nice and respectful.
I go to the gym for my stiff tense body. I am going 4x a week 40min. per time. I sometimes I invite a friend, and we talk and use the elliptical or bike. I find talking to someone passes the time pretty fast.
I have not tried acupuncture, but hear it can be helpful. Let us know how it goes .
I am also interested in this topic I just moved into a development to be close to my daughter and know no one. i am older and would like to know how to meet and make friends I am an introvert too
I’ve moved a number of times over the years and found that if I “join” a group of similar interests, it helps me to meet people and make friends. Then through someone in one group or another will introduce me to her friends and so it goes. The main thing is you have to put yourself out there. I read that it becomes easier to stay home than extend yourself and that is very detrimental to our mental health.
Loneliness is an epidemic in older people.
You asked how we unwind tension. For the past several years I have done a 10 minute meditation each day – not something I would ever have thought about when I was younger. I started when I was the primary caretaker for my husband (very exhausting and stressful) and a friend suggested the Calm app – there are many other similar apps. I found that after a short meditation, often there would be tears running down my face – I didn’t even realize how much tension I was holding in my body, and I felt so much more relaxed afterwards. It’s surprising how helpful this is.
Thank you so much, Susan. I needed that reminder. I meditate occasionally but certainly not enough.
At 72 I learned to play pickleball. Four years later, a have a group of wonderful women friends, some of whom no longer play, who share events, lunches, books, dinners…
Amazing!
Jennifer,
I am such a believer in accupuncture and cupping and do this for maintenance throughout the year. It is how I choose my insurance yearly (as coverage or not has charged yearly).
This and functional medicine ( a little harder to find a practioner) work hand in hand in my personal opinion.
Believing you have to. Be your own advocate when it comes to your health is my mantra.
Good for you and it is so good to hear you had immediate results based on how you felt after the treatment.
It works so well also with how you eat, too which I imagine she will get into with you, too.♥️
Accupuncture has nothing to do with ‘if you like or hate needles’ which I hear often when I mention my success with acupuncture.
Who likes needles. Not me.
Who wants to feel their best, ME.
Now go enjoy and thanks so much for sharing.
I love your blog.
Warmly, Melissa
I haven’t tried cupping but I’m certainly curious. I’m hoping to also find an acupuncturist back in California. Thanks Melissa.
Curious about the 2 groups you joined? I can certainly relate to the challenge of meeting new people.
Thanks, Diane
One was a senior community group and the other was a boat club.
My now good friend and I have often talked about how we met and became friends later in life. I was recently retired, with less of a plan than I should have had, and she was a librarian at our local library. We initially bonded over our love of books. That first tentative dance of “mmm…I like this person, will she like me” was a bit scary!
I can relate
Good morning. Thank you for this post and your honesty. I am experiencing much of what you wrote about. I’m 74 work full time at a job I really like. I’m an administrator at a college. I Take care of my grandkids one or two days a week. My friendship group is made up of my co-workers and a neighbor I have lunch with occasionally. I’m thinking about retirement, but very hesitant to retire. The thought makes me feel lonely and empty. A few months ago, I got to talking to the lady next to me at the nail salon. She runs a Facebook group for women over 50. It sounds like a good way to meet new people with whom I might share some interests. I’m going to give it a try.
I also carry anxiety. I’ve never thought about acupuncture. I will look into it. And, lastly, most people would say I’m a definite extraverted. Truthfully, I’m more of an introvert than most people would think. That’s why this big life change facing me makes me so uncomfortable.
Take care and good luck in your effort to make new friends.
I think retirement is over rated for some people. If you enjoy doing what you do, and they will keep you on, why stop? Retirement isn’t always the nirvana people talk about. It’s so personal.