Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. There’s a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what she’d like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, I’ve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her. She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
I’m having a face and neck lift on Friday. It’s not a decision I’ve come to lightly because it is an elective surgery and not without risk. However, at 71, I feel it’s now or never. I’ve always taken good care of my skin so it’s a good canvas. I’ve done my homework and have chosen a great surgeon. I will still be “invisible” when healed but feel it will be a shot of joy after these bleak two years of little to look forward to, plus a reaffirmation of my health and fitness goals.
Good for you, Susan! You hit the nail on the head. I will still be invisible, and I know it. That’s not why I’m considering it. Best of luck!!
Someone referred to Facersize. I saw an infomercial on it 22 years ago and do daily facial exercises (not all suggested), that takes about 2 minutes. They help keep jawline, neck and cheekbones defined. I’ll keep doing them.
I’ve experienced waiting in line and having someone step ahead of me like I wasn’t there. I hold my ground though !
Thanks for the post and all the comments.
I hold me ground too! Thanks for sharing, Marie
Oh my, just reading the previous comments makes me realize that we are an army of women all treading forward through a new, foggy life journey. I have caught that glimpse in a mirror or a random photo that made me pause and question when did all this happen? How can I be in a 75 year old body but still have the thoughts and dreams of a 29 year old? I too, don’t want to be invisible but I also don’t want to be totally consumed with the topic either. It’s a delicate balance. Several times (maybe many times), I’ve been greeted with a “hello dear” or “thank you dear” . Am I now everyone’s grandma?
Love your topic this morning! Do what makes you feel confident Jennifer! We’re all on this same journey, just some of us are a bit further down the trail.
Being called “dear” grates on me like nails on a chalkboard! It makes me crazy. If my grandson grows up to call me dear, it will still make me crazy! It just sounds condescending, not to mention overly familiar. Have a great day, Jan
I once had a stuck in neutral career, had my eyes and a necklift done at 50.
My career suddenly started to get better, retired at 69 with six figure income and am very comforable.
Go figure!
That’s fascinating, Ann. Ageism is horrible in the workplace. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I, too am an invisible woman, especially since I have let my hair go gray. I will be 68 in April and my invisibility began in my mid 60’s. I notice it more when I am shopping in stores geared to a younger demographic, such as Loft.
I had a face and eye lift when I was 60 and I loved it. Unfortunately, they don’t last forever and I always thought I would do a refresher when I turned 70, but I probably won’t. I’m tired of trying to look younger and am trying to accept my appearance as it is. You have my support in whatever you decide…good luck!
Yes! Where we are does seem to impact how invisible we are! Thanks for sharing Betsy Jo.
Ah, good for you on the neck lift; I am planning one (plus mid facelift) this year, too! Why not do it if it will make you feel better? So many good docs out there. Good luck!
There are many good doctors. Thanks for sharing and best of luck with your surgery! I knew I was not alone.
Thought-provoking post. I’m 66 and haven’t noticed the invisibility factor but maybe it is because I’ve just written it off to retail service generally declining. When I do run across particularly good service, I always compliment people and/or write a positive review.
I’ve had Botox and filler over the years and was happy with the results. Unfortunately, I discovered that, as reported by the American Society of Dermatological Surgery and others- see links below, one of the side effects of the Covid vaccine (2 does and booster) that you don’t hear much about is that the heightened immune response can result in the filler being attacked and dissolved. I wound up with hard lumps where I had had filler. They resolved over the last few months but all the filler seems to have disappeared and I look a lot older all of a sudden!
I’m considering a face lift to get rid of my jowls but I’m hesitant about the surgery. I’ll be interested to hear what you decide.
Fillers are so commonplace, I’m not sure why I hesitate but now there seems to be a sound medical reason since I’ve had all 3 COVID vaccines. Thanks Sandy
I love blue but have thought blue nail polish wasn’t for me when my sister asked me if I had injured my blue-painted toe as it looked like it was a black-and-blue injury to her.
My mother took a book out of our public library that had color wheels in it and never returned it. It was her constant companion for the rest of her life as she decorated various areas. I wonder what book that was.
Funny you should mention that about the toes;)
I can add to your “invisible” story. I too have been overlooked at my ripe age of 73. But about 15 years ago, I broke my ankle. I had to use crutches for weeks! My husband took pity on me and rented me a wheelchair so I could go to the local mall and shop. Being in a wheelchair is becoming invisible to the nth degree!!! People would not look me in the eye, and sometimes ran into my chair! just a little story……..
That’s awful!! I hadn’t thought of it until now. I will be more intentional about noticing people with handicaps. Thank you for mentioning it, Linda.
There is a very funny and on the mark episode of “Grace and Frankie” that deals with this. Unable to get the clerk to pay attention to the older women instead of the pretty young blonde, they just walk out with their intended purchase. I have had this experience in a Sephora and walked out (but not with a product!)
I’ve left a store many times for the sane reason but usually ‘heavily place’ the item on the counter and say why I’m leaving 🙂
Such a juicy topic! At almost 70 I have never felt unnoticed, especially by those who matter to me. I think we all unconsciously scan the landscape for those like us. So as we grey haired folks grow in number, we will still have impact. I do take notice when someone commands respect by making eye contact, smiling, being polite, being well groomed, making a friendly comment.
How we see ourselves is different than how others see us. I can’t imagine anyone getting past your beautiful eyes, your coloring, your megawatt smile to even think about your neck. Your sophistication and intelligence are expressed in your way of speaking and dressing. Learning to express one’s worth externally is a skill that requires conscious effort. I might have to live longer to master it!
Excellent post.
Your invisibility experience reminds me of the episode of ‘6 Feet Under’ when Ruth (Frances Conroy)feels invisible and her friend, Bettina (Kathy Bates) takes her shoplifting. Upon initial viewing many years ago the storyline provided food for thought. Now that I’m 68, it really resonates.
I haven’t seen that movie. It sounds hilarious!
I had a neck lift some years ago. I was so uncomfortable with the “turkey wattle” and felt it really aged me. I was thrilled with the results. I chose not to tell many people beforehand. Afterwards, when I did share what I had done, I got mostly negative responses. People couldn’t understand why I would have surgery that was not necessary. The lesson? Don’t share information when it serves no purpose other than to make you feel bad. Good luck×
I’m sorry people reacted that way, Meg. I simply don’t understand why people act that way. I’m sorry you had to deal with that and thanks for sharing. I feel the need to be transparent here and hope it can help others.
Your right not to tell ! Your your life ! Who cares but if a friend they should cheer your on !
I felt pretty invisible until I was about 50. Except for unwanted catcalls on the street. I’m a 5’6” brunette and reasonable attractive. I’be always been the girl next door. Few people notice me. I’m 60 now and more visible and thank God I finally aged out of catcalls.
My new visibility comes from my general demeanor and how I make eye contact. I did some public speaking and some things about me changed. I have much more confidence and it shows. The wallflower is gone, unless I want it.
There are ways to attract positive attention. The first cheap trick is one bright accessory. I have a red silk scarf. I’ve compared entering a room with and without it. What a simple trick! Who knew?! Iris Apfel, I’m sure.
There will always be a jerk of a bartender who really just wants to get lucky. That’s hormones. I would not take that one personally.
As you tell us, do the things that give you confidence.
I’m 56 and had a facelift 10 weeks,ago. People are nicer to me a more complimentary.
I am shocked by the difference I see. My Dr. did a great job especially neck and lines around sides of my mouth. I went to dinner w friends on 14th day recovery. It was worth cost and recovery for results.
Thanks so much for sharing with us, Starla!!
I would have had a facelift, especially the neck! But I have frequent obstructions that cause hospitalizations occasionally. These days in the hospital made me realize I want nothing done that causes pain or discomfort. I, at 79, am now too old, I wish I had done it at 57.
Thank you for this! Yes, I’ve had similar experiences to yours. Just keep your head held high.
Hi Jennifer, I am in 81, youthful and active. I have had my face done about 10 years ago and so glad I did. Periodically , I have had fillers including my hands because the skin is paper thin.
I was planning on having a mini lift and face peel this month, but because Covid is averaging close to 43k in Los Angeles I am putting it off. I have had my eyebrows tatooed for years. I also use a prescription from my dermatologist for lash growing.
I also had another procedure done that has changed my life: for year my sleep has been interrupted because of too many potty runs. I complained to my urologist about it. There’s a procedure for this and it’s Botox. About 10 shots are inserted into the urethra. Yes, is uncomfortable even with being numbed.. it’s been a positive life—changing experience —no more panty liners, no getting up at night and I don’t have to stop drinking at 5pm. The one draw back is it has to be done every six months, I hope this information is helpful to those who suffer through the night.
Botox for the bladder – yes! I started about 3 years ago, and it changed my life. I had to wear a pad all the time for leaks, and I really didn’t want to go anywhere. I had the procedure in the office (very, very painful!) for 4 treatments. I moved and had to find a new doctor. She gave me the option to have it done in the hospital, under general anesthesia. I was very nervous, but so much better. I had to wait 9 months in between the last two times because of moving and a new doctor. I did fine. She has retired (boohoo!), but she has a replacement. We will talk about when to do it, but I may see how 8 months is.
It has been life-changing for me. I don’t have to wear a pad (and change it several times a day), I can go out and not worry, and I can finally start drinking water throughout the day (I barely drank anything before, and I know I must have been dehydrated all the time.) And yes, it has helped with my sleep as I don’t get up 3-4 times a night.
It is time that women started talking about this to help each other.
That’s so wonderful to get help!! Thank you for sharing, this will help many readers.
Thank you for sharing that valuable information with us, Roseanna! I had no idea they were using Botox for that. How amazing and a blessing that it helps. My girlfriend had the sling surgery and her problem reoccured a few years later anyway.
Why, oh why, aren’t women talking about this more! I can easily see how life changing the botox injections could be. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t wait to tell others I know who get up repeatedly during the night.
Sorry to hear of your experience at the restaurant. It is so very frustrating to be ignored. Just taking a moment to say hello and I will be with you shortly is all that is needed to be at the very least, polite. I have been totally ignored in some stores and even when it was not busy, they were talking among themselves, so after a frustrating silence, I left and on the way out said thanks for all your help and have a good day. Nothing. And yet, there are a few stores that I frequent in our little town where I am greeted as soon as I walk in the door, even if it is just a quick ‘hi’ if they are busy, then come to speak to me later. It doesn’t take much to ensure loyalty. Your toes look so cute, glad you took the leap. I have a mid tone blue with a slight shimmer on my nails as I write this, and have been changing colours at least once a week lately. Of course I have over 70 bottles so no shortage of colours to choose from.
As for the skin issue, I have my upper eyelids resting on my lashes, and am too afraid of surgery in that area to do it just yet. I have had questionable results from necessary surgeries so am a bit wary of much more cutting. However, if you feel comfortable doing this, go for it, you will feel better after.
I enjoy your monday musings, almost like a chat with a friend. Take care.
Good post! I’m repainting my toenails a fun color today! At 61 I am experiencing the same feelings of surprise sometimes when I see myself in pictures. But I’d rather pamper myself with thoughtful self care than go for surgery, fillers, Botox, hair coloring. There is a lot to keep up with there. I retired last year though, and think that helps. Most of my girlfriends have stopped coloring their hair, so my mirror looks like me a lot of the time. It is harder in the workplace!
Invisible? I’m 56 years old. I survived a severe bout of Covid pneumonia and fought my way back to health. I have residual lung impairments and now I am dependent on supplemental oxygen. I have worked hard at rehab to regain my muscle strength and I go out on occasion to have my haircut or to have my nails done – when we are not in an active wave. I love to dress up and wear my make up and walk tall. Of course I’m masked (N95), vaccinated and observe all protocols. My carer carries my oxygen canister. People avert their eyes and go silent when I walk past. My daughter says she hasn’t seen anybody else like me out and about. Are we meant to stay home and spare people the discomfort of seeing the differently abled? I don’t think so. Let’s all walk tall irrespective of age and abilities and greet the world with a smile and live the life we have.
That periwinkle nail colour is gorgeous. I’m going to pick it up.
Thank you for writing about invisibility. I’m 64 and have had similar experiences. Once upon a time, being noticed was not an issue. Wish I’d appreciated it more at the time LOL!
I wish I had too!
Lesley, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I love your attitude of greet the world with a smile. Hopefully soon, people will be able to see your smile maskless. Take care.
Thank you Terry. I’m a mental
Health care professional working with youth so I get to do Teleconsults (unmasked) with young people. I just work twice a week now.
The children have long term difficulties and have known me for most of their lives. They are less concerned by the nasal cannulae and more by my hair which is now a short salt and pepper and not the mid length brunette bob they remember! It’s so refreshing working with children and adolescents who will be more direct in their questions and more accepting of change. It’s such a pleasure and a privilege to be back at work
Lesley, you go for it!! I have battled acute myeloid leukemia this year, had a stem cell transplant and maintenance chemo now. I’m 30 pounds lighter with weird bald spots. Yet still I go out when I must and dress up for the doctor visits. Why not walk tall and be proud of your strength! It’s magnificent, and a lot of people could not have done it!
And yes to the neck lift. I’d do it in a minute if I could!
Well done Susan! I salute your strength and courage. My friends who are cancer survivors understand my journey the best. Three of them discarded their post-chemo wigs in the hot summer and walked around with their bare heads because it was comfortable. They pencilled in their brows and put on a lipstick and some blush. We wear our ‘scars’ with dignity. A smile is still the best accessory.
What a beautiful post…my dear mother in law who died at 99 used to say there are always people with more challenges than you ! It helps to remember that feeling good and healthy is the most important!
Your post set us on a higher level!
Let’s be happy for every wrinkle that was caused by smiling!
Hoping for your continued health and happiness!! Bet you are beautiful!
I’m so sorry to hear about your COVID and lasting problems, Lesley. That’s very hard to deal with and NO, we are supposed to go out and do what we please. I love your attitude and am sending good vibes your way.
as someone else said, here in South Florida, we are a large segment of the population, so I haven’t noticed the being ignored very much…one incident in a Victorias secret, and that resulted in me giving Soma a try, which worked out for me, cause I love Somas now.
I would do a facelift. I would spend the money on that rather than botox and fillers. and I already know which surgeon I would use, the drs and staff that did my breast reconstruction after breast cancer were Angels to me, I would trust them 100 percent. now its just a self debate of parting with the money, the 401k is healthy, but not fat, I could take it from there, but should I? im 64, the face isn’t really bothering me right now, so the debate is postponed.
Jennifer, the way you treated the younger woman at the bar speaks of the beauty in your soul, which makes a big difference in this world we live in. You made her feel seen, but just for her appearance. And I love how you help us to be our most beautiful, confident selves.
Thank you, Libby. I was horrified when she began to apologize! How often have we looked back and wondered why we didn’t appreciate the weight or age were were, at the time? I wanted her to embrace and recognize how special she is now!
My two sisters and I, all in our 60s, had met in Vancouver to enjoy a weekend together. After a busy City day, we went for dinner. The restaurant was just beginning to fill, leaving many 4-person tables with white tablecloths. We were seated in the worst spot in the restaurant, a huge (6 person?) booth immediately in front of the half-wall separating us from the busy kitchen. After sitting for several minutes with no wait staff attending us, I called one over and insisted we be moved to a more suitable table. After our wine and appetizers arrived, I looked over and saw that although there were still empty tables available, another trio of older women had been seated in the worst spot in the restaurant.
I loved your entire post. You were wonderful to the other girl and she loved you speaking out. Good for you! Have that neck-lift if you want. I’ve had a few things and I can tell the difference and it makes me feel good.
Happy New Year!!