Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. There’s a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what she’d like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, I’ve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her. She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
This was a wonderful post. I’ll be 75 in August. I tell my grandchildren to do what you love
I am enjoying your blog. Just curious about the neck lift consultation. Did the surgeon recommend a lower face lift as well as the neck lift? I also went for a consult about a neck lift. The surgeon said that the lower face should be done as well. If you only do the neck aging in lower face area would be more noticeable and result would probably not be what I was looking for.
My Dr told me the same thing. I’m undecided, I just want to tighten my neck but I don’t want to make other parts look worse by comparison.
Years ago had a Blepharoplasty (due heavy eyelids) as recommended by my eye specialist but since a coward when it comes to surgery do not plan to have any other cosmetic work and will opt to celebrate any wrinkles as ‘ character lines ‘ … ☺. As to botox/filler injections forget that as well, being allergy sensitive to even prescribed medications so wouldn’t even risk it. (I’m now 75.) That said; agree ‘there is no shame in improving our appearance’, so go for it Jennifer as you are only around once so do what pleases ‘you’.
-Brenda-
I haven’t felt invisible yet but I’m only 58. I’m getting my eyelids and boobs lifted on Feb 1 and can’t wait. My neck does bother me though.
Best of luck with your surgery, Robin!
I absolutely agree that we become invisible as we age. I’ve also noticed different treatment when I run errands with make up versus without which happened even when I was younger.
As a 73 year old woman, I can honestly say that age has brought me more confidence, strength, wisdom, grace and kindness than my youth, and I wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer’s words, “All women are entitled to age the way they choose”.
I also find inspiration in the words of the late Audrey Hepburn:
“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things need to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others”.
That’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Invisibility – something we never expected to experience in life but yet we do. Culture and society are centered around youthfulness (thank you Madison Avenue and Hollywood). Sometimes it makes me feel bad and other times, not at all. It all has to do with how you feel that day. It’s such a shame that strangers can make us feel that way – we should all try to bring a smile to others’ faces.
As for having “work done,” if it would make you feel better, go for it! I had breast augmentation done in 2008 and have been very happy with the results (it balanced my larger hips and gave me curves I hadn’t had; I was 57). Thinking about the eye lid lift as my right eye lid droops badly but the left is okay. And, as one of the women mentioned, Botox is definitely a remedy for incontinence. I have decided that is the road I will take to deal with my “issue.”
Thank you, Jennifer, and all the lovely ladies who reply. We lift each other up and keep each other going.
I had no idea that Botox would help with incontinence! What a wonderful treatment!
Joan Rivers would say “It’s better to get out of an old car with a new face then a new car with an old face.” Makes sense to me!
Joan was hilarious
I don’t feel I’m treated any differently but I’m from the South so most men even the younger ones, show respect to women at any age here. It is something I notice if I leave the South though. Being called “ma’am” here not so much fun.🙂. I love pinks, blues, greens but just don’t paint my nails now. Keep them short too because I’m gnot happy with my older hands but at least they work. Great post.
Good morning Jennifer,
Responding to your discussion regarding improving our appearance. I receive Botox injections every 3 months for my migraines (which helps greatly). I don’t know why anyone would want to subject themselves to the pain for “beauty”!
I am 69 and happy with my life – but aware everyone has different needs and wants.
Jennifer,
I encourage you to embrace whatever makes you the best you can be! Aging……it sneaks up on you and you find yourself in your sixties! As a medical professional it is imperative to seek out only board certified plastic surgeons. They must pass rigorous exams in order to be certified and they are required to retake the exams at recurring intervals.
I have had my eyes done and I get botox to the administrative lines and crows feet. Like you, I am not a fan of the filler look. Recovery was painless and quick. You are in good health, I am confident you will be asking yourself “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
Thank you, Cindy
I found I was starting to become invisible when I was 50. I am now 69 and my husband is 74 yes we are old but I don’t think we look too wrinkled. Never had any procedures only Caci facials. Of course we look older than when we met in our 40s but we will continue to age as long as possible together. I think if you want work done that is the right decision for you if it makes you happier. Good luck!
I actually love finally being invisible because it is freedom to do what I want and not be bothered by any one. I had my turn to be young and it was great. Now I am enjoying my turn to be invisible 😊
That’s a great attitude!
Absolutely! this had happened to me several times at the Nordstrom cosmetics counter. The sales clerks kept walking past me, not even acknowledging me, as the busily applied makeup to teenagers. An older shoe salesman noticed me and apologized for them. I sent an email to the store manager and reminded her ladies of a certain age have money to spend and should not be ignored.
I’ve made phone calls to store managers reminding them of just the same!
If cosmetic procedures make a women in her 60s/70s feel better about herself she should go for it. However, seriously doubt if that will make any difference in how she is treated by employees of shops and bars who are in their 20s or actually just about anyone else.
Appreciate the warning comments about eyelift surgery because that is something I thought might improve my vision. Will let that idea go for now.
I totally agree, it won’t change a woman’s visibility.
Dear Jennifer, I love the complete honesty, humor, and helpfulness of your blog from skin care to outer wear! Thank you!
I’m 82, feel 72 and try to live and look my best life. You inspire me – blue toenails may be a stretch; but who knows – I head out for an exercise session with a trainer, and tomorrow golf at my club. I have some ideas for starting a “shawl” ministry for women who have suffered a loss.
Blessed 2022 to you and your readers!
Thank you for being here, Diane!
I say “yes!” to your neck lift!
This was a great thought provoking post. And yes I have experienced the exact same thing. It was sort of a shock when it happened the first time. Now I just go with the flow. The invisibility shield can be our secret power. haha
I do get botox. I have also have had a neck lift and my eyes done. I did it all for me. I let my hair go gray and I love it. So whether it’s painting our nails blue or getting a neck lift, I’m all for whatever makes you happy!
This is a fun topic. At age 70, I have what I call, become wallpaper in some situations. Now when I go into stores, I search for the oldest clerk I can find. I often even ask a younger employee if there is someone working there today that is closer to my age. I tell them that I so appreciate stores that continue to employ older workers as they can be so helpful to me. It works. I find that those older employees also feel ignored and overlooked. When I search them out and tell them how happy I am to have their help and advice, they smile and thank me. It is a win-win every time. Thanks for bringing this up.
I love that you do this, Dee. I’m going to copy you!
What a great idea and welcome reminder
I’ve heard many variations on that story and have experienced it myself…it’s true, I’m afraid. In our society, women are valued primarily for their appearance and their youth, rather than their wisdom, experience, or wit. it can be painful and it’s a real loss to society, as well. I think it is one reason we older women value our female contemporaries so much. We can see and appreciate each other’s great value. As for color, about 15 years ago, when I was just turning 50, I began craving color. I ended up turning to quilting, where I began to experiment with the colors I was drawn to. For me, those are often bold, warm colors. Not only does it help satisfy my color craving, it made me much more comfortable dumping the black uniform and incorporating color into my wardrobe. The amount of black dwindles each year and now I only have a couple of really comfortable black joggers that I wear on a regular basis. My neutrals are now navy, khaki and brown.
That’s a wonderful story! I love your color journey 🙂
I have done Botox and the needles are so small you barely feel it. I love the outcome! I am more scared of surgery so interested what others say. 😄