Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. There’s a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what she’d like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, I’ve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her. She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
Hmm, invisible. Yes, it has happened, and not when I thought it would. A few years ago, while dining with my husband, the waitress totally played up to him. My water glass went I filled, unless I asked, she asked him about his meal- never a question about mine, refilled his wine, etc., etc. etc. I let it continue, and at the end of the meal when she gave the check to my husband, I reached across the table and said, “ Thank you dear, I’m the one
picking up the tab, never take it for granted”. The look on her face! I’d pay double to see her reaction. Sometimes we need to speak up and teach a lesson.
Good for you, Donna!
I find being invisible an advantage most of the time. I prefer doing the observing rather than being observed. My ego was rewarded when I was young and pretty, but I find that beyond 70, I just don’t want to bother with other people and their opinions. In the bar situation, I would have spoken up–loudly, if necessary–before five minutes passed. When I don’t want to be invisible, I’m not.
My two sisters and I, all in our 60s, had met in Vancouver to enjoy a weekend together. After a busy City day, we went for dinner. The restaurant was just beginning to fill, leaving many 4-person tables with white tablecloths. We were seated in the worst spot in the restaurant, a huge (6 person?) booth immediately in front of the half-wall separating us from the busy kitchen. After sitting for several minutes with no wait staff attending us, I called one over and insisted we be moved to a more suitable table. After our wine and appetizers arrived, I looked over and saw that although there were still empty tables available, another trio of older women had been seated in the worst spot in the restaurant.
I was always going to have my neck done since it is droopy from two previous thyroid surgeries. However, now I’ve developed malor bags under my eyes that make me look tired. This time I may just go for it and have surgery. Thanks so much for bringing up this topic! Even though we may be older we don’t want to look bedraggled!
I agreed. Looking tired all the time isn’t what we want.
Jennifer, I agree that a confident mature woman should make her own decisions about her appearance. If cosmetic surgery helps you to reflect a truer version of yourself, then do it. My only piece of advice comes in question form. Are you doing it for you or for the opinion of others? If you feel confident in your decision, why ask what readers think?
Regarding “being invisible,” I suppose I should thank two dear friends for helping me ease into this space. I’ve always considered myself to be average looking. As it happens, I developed friendships with two spectacular looking women. They are just as beautiful on the inside, and surprisingly unaffected by their appearance. Seriously, we were out to dinner in LA once and a well known Hollywood heartthrob – a complete stranger- approached her and we later learned he bought our dinner! The other was frequently asked if she was a model. So, I got used to being the plain looking friend either ignored or chatted up in hopes of an introduction.
Decades later, I’m comfortable
not being the first one noticed because I never was. But I like myself, my appearance and my style – happy to know the only person to please is me.
I’m most certainly doing this for me, and me alone. The opinion of others doesn’t play a roll.
I asked readers what their thoughts are so we could discuss it.
If every single reader said no, don’t do it, I probably still would.
Your experience with invisibility definitely resonated with me. I had an experience (pre-Covid) where my sister and I met for lunch at a restaurant; I had made a reservation, and when we arrived the place was less than half full. The host led us to the very worst table in the restaurant, between the kitchen door and the server’s station where all the napkins, silverware and water jugs were kept. I politely asked for another table, and the host complied, after trying to tell us that all the other tables were also booked. The server addressed us both as “my dears” and kept repeating this until we politely asked him to stop. I don’t mind being addressed as “dear” or “honey” when I’m in the South, as I hear people saying this all the time to everyone, regardless of their age, but this is not the case in Northern California, where no stranger ever called me “dear” until I was in my 60s!
Oh Sweet Mercy…being addressed as “My Dear” or “Sweetheart” gets me so riled up, ESPECIALLY when it comes from a contractor who’s working for me! (I’m a civil engineer.) I usually reply “I’m not your wife, mother or girlfriend; please address me by my name.”
I say do what makes you happy. If it gives you higher self-esteem go for it!
We older folks have other problems too. Dental issues –arthritis and thinning hair to name a few. Staying healthy as much as possible is all we can do!
Some breast cancer patients like myself take hormone suppressors. Imagine having no estrogen in your system. Instant aging since our body needs it for just about everything.
Look your best and forget about ageism. Time stops for no one …even the young whipper-snappers will age one day.
Considering a jawline lift. No botox.
They’ll get where we are and wonder what happened
I realized one day that I was invisible when out with my daughter and all the men were looking at her and not me. I had my day in the sun and was happy it was her turn now.
I understand completely. I am 66 and, it would seem, completely invisible to everyone but my 28 year old son. Several years ago I began gaining 4 to 5 lbs per year. After reading numerous articles identifying how bad visceral fat was for your health, finding out that I had developed insulin resistance and just being unhappy with how my clothing fit (or didn’t fit!), I decided to make some changes in 2020. Over the span of 5 months I lost 34 lbs. by changing what I ate and primarily, when I ate it. The changes were not extreme & have been simple to maintain. I physically feel so much better and no longer have any signs of insulin resistance. I know the health improvements should be reward enough, but I would think that having lost 4 clothing sizes someone would notice something? With the exception of my son who said, “Those ribs are looking a little boney mom! No, really, you look great!”, no one, not my husband, my staff at work, none of my friends, uttered a word. I don’t think this was mean spirited, I just genuinely believe I am simply, completely invisible. And I don’t even know when I disappeared.
Wow Kate. That’s remarkable that no one noticed. Thank you sharing your story with us.
What a very interesting post!!
It’s great that we call all share our stories and support each other here in so many ways.
Thank you for your blog, Jennifer.
I love this community so much! You ladies are the best.
Being the invisible age has been very evident to me in the last 10 years!
I have talked about my feelings about this with a couple of student nurses I have mentored. It opened their eyes. I don’t think it’s really bed especially when we are aware. Thank goodness for our own support system & great female friends! Love your blog❤️
I had a necklift in May 2021 when I was 76 and am thrilled with the results. There was no pain but quite a bit of discomfort for a couple of weeks. You have to sleep on your back with your head elevated and that was a challenge for me since I’m like a rotisserie and turn all night. No one knew about the surgery other than my husband and two children because I didn’t want to be concerned about anyone judging me for being too vain. Only two people asked me if I had had something done, and that was after just 2-3 weeks. After a month I don’t think anyone noticed any changes; I just looked refreshed and less tired. Find a great surgeon and go for it!
Thank you Dorothy. I’m hoping for your results.
Yes I experience “age invisibility” often although it seems to be less now that I’m 70. This is why I enjoy your posts. Because feeing good and dressing well leads to confidence that counters invisibility. Regarding having work done – I’d do it if I could afford it. Ah well I guess it’s all about priorities but I’m looking forward to reading about your experiences with the neck lift.
I daydream about a neck lift and a eyelid fix. I wouldn’t tell anyone beforehand, probably not after either. Too many people have no hesitation to pronounce negative judgments. I would like to do this to spiff up my appearance. Ive taken good care of my skin , but gravity takes its toll.
I doubt any thing would provide a return to visibility — that ship sailed.
I have two very funny stories about age that I still laugh about.
We were out to dinner with two other couples. It was someone’s birthday so we decided to have dessert. After I ordered mine, I said I would have coffee, too. The young waiter replied I’d better not as it would keep me awake all night. I replied to the effect, “Young man, what is the matter with you telling me that?! While you are at it, make that an Irish coffee!” The other happened last Christmas. I was at a drug store buying gift cards to the tune of $100 each for our son and family. The cashier said, “Do you know who you are buying these for?” I looked at her oddly, and said of course, I did. She then replied “We like to make sure that our elderly aren’t being taken advantage of.” What could I say but good for you. Let me tell you, every time I buy a gift card now, I think of that. In all my life those two incidents are the only times I have felt called out for my age!
Fortunately, I have good genetics, no wrinkles or sags. I taught high school and community college until I retired at 65. Until Covid, I still taught 1-2 community college classes a year. Attitude, humor and fashion flair go a long way in how one is treated. That and as I age remind me of Jerry Garcia “Be Grateful.”
Those are funny, Kathy
I have had the same experience! Very frustrating – so much so that I get sarcastic. But what’s more frustrating is when my beautiful (34yo daughter-blonde-blue eyed-tall) joins me and we get served immediately! Mind you no difference between male or female servers.
I have noticed that being invisible is a great way to entertain myself with eavesdropping. If people are going to share so much in public, you bet I’ll make it work for me. Then I expand my new material into little stories for my husband’s amusement. He thinks it’s weird, but he sure likes the stories.
Having work done: I have had numerous surgeries on my face because of skin cancer. The worst one was the forehead flap skin graft to the tip of my nose. It was grotesque and painful, but worked nicely. At that time I decided to give my face a little treat after each of these calamities. I like laser treatments because they help with scarring and also with those pesky pre cancers.
I laughed at your experience. A couple of years ago, I was having lunch with a younger friend, she is beautiful. As we were walking into the restaurant a young man rushed to open the door for her, I was right behind, he stepped in front of me and let the door shut in my face. I could have gotten upset but kept my sense of humor. Like the young lady in your story, my friend apologized for it. I just laughed and told her pretty much the same thing you did. A sense of humor is more important as we age.
Excellent topic today. Back in 1997, at the age of fifty, I decided to have some “work” done. I had noticed that the skin under my jaw line had become heavy. I guess is the word. When I turned my head I would catch the skin on my jaw bone. So I went a plastic surgeon, and had some work done. What I should have done first is see a spinal doctor because as it turned out, the cartilage/vertebrae in my neck was slowly dissolving. But I didn’t. Just a precautionary concern if any of you are considering cosmetic surgery.
Anyway, as for the surgery, it went well. At the same time I also had an eye lift which I was very pleased with. So now, I am, or course showing my age and that doesn’t really concern me at my age now, as much as my overall health.
I do want to emphasize that when I had the “work” done,I did it for myself, not because of how other people saw me, or because of public opinion, just simply for myself. I think that is probably the most important consideration for anyone considering a little or a lot of adjustment, do it for yourself, for your self esteem, not because someone else says you should.
At this time in my life’s travel, the most important thing is to love yourself with all your faults.
I have had my teeth straightened, lens implants (now contact lens free!), breast reduction, botox, eyebrow microblading. Each time I asked my sister’s opinion, she tells me “that’s not necessary”. Well, it is to me! I exercise, stay positive, work part time, a wife of 38 years, stepmom, grandmom, and a caregiver for my elderly father. If I feel overlooked, I speak up. Loudly! We are wise, experienced and have a LOT to offer this world we live in. ❤️❤️
Bravo, Lisa. It’s not easy to caretake an older parent. We do have tons to offer!!