Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. There’s a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what she’d like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, I’ve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her. She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
I am your age and use a wheelchair. I expected to be invisible (the wheelchair) but have not felt that, although might at any time. There are stereotypes for wheelchair users that are mind-blowers. Maybe it depends on where you go. I frequent doctor offices, plus covid keeps us out of everywhere, and their staff is trained to deal with wheelchair users. In normal times and if I were in better health, I would expect to be invisible at this age.
Jennifer, I am 74 years old. At 71 I had a neck lift and lower face lift. I only wanted a neck lift but the surgeon told me he thought I would be disappointed if he didn’t include the lower face. I think he was right. I am very happy I decided to go ahead with it. At last what I saw in the mirror matched what I saw in my head and I felt my look matched my idea of myself. The recovery was more difficult and longer than I expected but it was worth it. I also had blepharoplasty when I was 36. My lids were very heavy. I am also very glad I did that. It was not a bad surgery or recovery and the results have lasted. The only thing I will say with both surgeries is there is a slight difference from side to side which I have learned to live with. So I would question the surgeon on how he will avoid making the sides of your face or eyes uneven. Or how he will insure that both sides are done exactly the same. I wish you the very best and hope you are able to proceed with confidence, finding the very best surgeon in your area.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice, Pat. That had never occurred to me and I will ask him.
I too have notice my “invisibility cloak” too. As far as the surgery goes, I think what a woman does to herself to feel & look her best is her business. That may mean no assistance from a physician, or it may mean what you consider. Whatever the choice the woman makes it should be just that, her choice!
Interesting post. I understand the concept and have experienced feeling invisible but it doesn’t move my meter or bother me because if I choose not to be invisible, I simply speak up. I am 72 and while men turned their heads when I walked by at younger ages, and much less so now, I don’t care. Never have. When I am “invisible” at a restaurant or other venue I remember that often along with aging and wisdom and honing our personalities, we also have the money…there goes the tip!
I am considering have some plastic surgery; some or all of my face and neck. I might do it. I am also considering letting my hair be gray. I might do it. Often I feel like I am melting. But I am still working as much as I want, playing golf, going to the gym, traveling, and enjoying grandchildren….so…invisible…perhaps but just think what those around you are missing by not “seeing” you!
I love your comment, Jan. Thanks for sharing it.
Now my story about having a procedure done for medical reasons. I had to stay out of the sun for two weeks. When I returned to volunteer work at my child’s high school, the other mothers and some of the teachers were acting strangely, and looking for telltale signs of a facelift. (I knew what they were doing.) I got snark from one, who did the mean girl, faux-concerned voice and asked how I was doing, because she hadn’t seen me in a while. I said, “Fine.”
The outpatient procedure was Mohs surgery. The plastic surgeon who did it told me this work that brings him career satisfaction. Best day of my life, knowing I was cancer-free when I left the clinic. I didn’t want to share any of that with a mean girl.
You don’t have to explain anything, just like Mary Poppins.
You’re so lucky to have had a great surgeon. I’m glad they got it all and you are cancer-free. And yes, means girls just grown up to be mean women who I have zero patience or tolerance for.
There was a Grace and Frankie episode about invisibility. It is a real thing.
Wow! I so appreciate this forum to talk about such topics, and thank you so much Jennifer for your stories and honesty. I love your blog! I’ve just very recently started thinking about getting a brow lift but upon looking into what to expect in the healing process, I got scared. Enough to decide not to do it. I love the comment about Facercise and Face yoga. I’ll look into that instead. I’ve had a LOT of surgeries for endometriosis in my younger life and have a fear of surgeries now and don’t want to subject myself to more. I did get bunion surgery on one foot 5 years ago. It was a difficult healing process but my surgery & recovery was very successful. I was lucky to find the perfect doctor for the surgery. A word of advice for those considering it though, never get the bunion surgery where they “shave off” the bunion. That is the old antiquated method with questionable results/success. My doctor reconstructed the joint instead and put a temporary pin in it for 6 weeks to make sure it heeled straight. You can hardly see the scar now and the bunion has not come back. I’m hoping to do the other foot soon.
I am 74 years old. Since I had cystic acne as a teenager and into my 30s and 40s, I have had many treatments to my skin. At 60 I had a face lift. It has carried me through many years of more confidence. I now do minor dermatology applications such as redness lasers, eye high lightening, brow tattooing, facials etc. I don’t care to have another face lift, but the small changes really can make a difference in one’s self confidence.
Bravo for you, Julie!
Jennifer, I’ve become invisible as I’ve aged, too. It is amazing. I’m 66-ish and I’ve not “let myself go”, whatever the heck THAT means, but no one would mistake me for being an ingenue anymore. I look like what I am. A well-dressed older woman. It is very frustrating when I’m trying to get a front-line worker to wait on me. I’ve discovered a silver lining in becoming invisible, however, and that is I never have to deal with men trying to hit on me anymore. Honestly? It’s been so long I probably wouldn’t recognize a “hit” if it fell right on top of me. But, that’s another topic for another day. Most of the time I’m okay with being invisible, because attracting unwanted attention used to be a problem when I was younger.
Grear point. I don’t miss getting attention from men
No one has mentioned feeling invisible among couples in social settings. Older women, solo for whatever reason, seem last to be invited or even considered. We may be savvy entertainers, kind, nicely dressed, well traveled, empathetic, outgoing, and good conversationalists with anyone about anything…yet too often are invisible. We may initiate social interaction with the best intentions, but it’s not reciprocated.
Hi Jennifer, I’m a retired RN and the second I see blue nails I get a wee shock that says START CPR.
I’ll be very interested in the neck lift results. I hope you will share your experience. Don’t expect it to make you more visible to 20 something bartenders. Good luck.
LOL, I don’t expect or want it to make me more visible. Flying under the radar suits me just fine most of the time:)
Love your blue toes! Just so happens that’s the color I chose today. I also did a matte finish which I really like. Try it sometime.
I am going to try an acupuncture face lift. That’s not too invasive other than some tiny needles. My acupuncturist says she has gotten good results. I am 70 and would just like a little lift. I don’t want a face lift because I would like to look more natural and really wouldn’t want to spend that much, but I want to age in the best way possible.
I really enjoy your post each day!
I don’t trust fillers , but I would get Botox or surgery. All surgery has risks, and until I am at my best weight I won’t consider it. If I can lose excess weight then I might proceed.
When I was still coloring my hair people always told me how young I looked and I received more attention. I don’t really miss it, but it definitely happens.
I find I am ignored in stores quite often, but one time shopping I won’t forget. I was in an upscale swimwear shop. A woman older than I asked if I needed help and I answered that I was looking for a tankini. She said I should buy a swim dress, and that is all she would show me. I left after about 20 minutes of looking at tankinis as she continued to bring swim dresses to me. While I have lumps and bumps at 5’5″ and 150 lbs it was just so strange. Never been back to that store and have purchased many tankinis since then. 😀
I don’t get procedures done but colour hair, exercise, and try to wear clothes that don’t age myself.
If I was a blogger, I would get procedures done. It’s much more public than my life is.
That was a strange way for her to behave. Her preconceived prejudices cost her a sale. I’m glad you left
Jennifer, I have been reading your blog for several years and always enjoy and appreciate your practical and informative approach. I’ve learned so much from you. I had a neck lift in May at the age of 76 and I’m extremely happy with the results. I’m blessed with good health, and the way I look now is more in line with the way I feel. Since you’ve seen the process through similar surgery with your mom, you know the first couple of weeks are the worst. I never had any pain but there was discomfort for a few weeks. The worst was having to sleep on my back all the time, as I’m usually like a rotisserie turning all night long. No one but my husband and children know I had surgery because I didn’t want to be concerned with being judged for being too vain. When I started going out a bit after 2-3 weeks, two people asked me if I had something done. After that I never had any further comments. I believe I look more rested and happy, which is exactly the result I was hoping for. I highly recommend finding a reputable surgeon and following your instincts.
Thank you for sharing Dorothy. I am a rotisserie too so that will be a challenge.
I think you truly helped that gal at the bar feel great.
And maybe the way you were treated had nothing to do with age but her attitude that she needed some encouragement. You were a little angel who offered something good and definitely not invisible.
As far as plastic surgery, my best friend wants a face lift so badly, but for me I don’t want to go under the knife unless It is to save my life. I’m a big chicken.
I am also luck to be blessed with good genes and few wrinkles or I would buck up and look to improve.
Hello,Jennifer,
I am the same age as you are, all natural.As I was always told that I do not look my real age, I was confident in my fresh.. spirit,but recently things changed as I noticed people looking at me with condescendence.
Years ago a friend told me she was “invisible “ to men. I am processing things.
I vote for surgery rather than repeated needles, at least you fear once for the procedure, although I do not think I will do it because of my heart issues.
In a hopeful note, I will definitely try periwinkle, and I must confess I watched clothes more carefully after reading your article, I even noticed some nice pieces. As far as mani and pedi,I usually try all colours as they cheer me up!
Best wishes !
Mihaela
Thank you Mihaela
I had a neck lift at age 65 and I am thrilled with the results 5 years later. Actually no one really noticed except for a few responses such as you look great, or have you lost weight? I never denied it. Still I did it for me and am so enjoying the boost of confidence I have gained which has benefitted me. I wish I had done it sooner.
Thank you so much for sharing, Nancie.
While I don’t condone staff taking 5 minutes or more to acknowledge your presence, I look at the so-called “invisibility” issue a bit differently. Often, young women are subject to an uncomfortable level of attention simply based on their appearance. I kind of enjoy the more respectful attention that seems to come with age. It’s when respect is lacking at any age, which it might have been in your experience, that I’m offended.
On Thursday, I’m going for my 14th surgery, all for medical reasons, so I’ll pass on cosmetic surgery.
Best of luck with your surgery, Elaine. Sending prayers your way.
I appreciate this forum you have created for these sometimes hard conversations. I have decided this type of invisibility has given me the power to observe the world from a different place than my younger years when I felt the attention was often on me. I am embracing this “gift” of aging.
Several years ago I suffered from Thyroid Eye Disease which altered my appearance. I made the decision to have have eye surgery to correct the damage and did an eye lift as well. It was the best decision I have ever made and left me open future surgery. It is blessing to care for ourselves and feel confident in our own skin, whatever that means to you. Good luck with this decision, and much thanks for this community and blog!
Thank you for being here with us, Cindy.