Still Waiting: A Life on Hold
Happy Tuesday ladies. Several weeks, (or was it months ago?) ago I mentioned I was having some health challenges and awaiting a few test results. Several ladies have written to ask how they turned out so I thought I would give you an update.
Let me start at the beginning.
Last year…oh crap, this is going to be a long one…I had a CT to check the health of my lungs. I’d been a 2 1/2 pack a day smoker for many years when I was young and dumb. It seemed like everyone smoked back then, but I smoked a lot. Remember when tennis tournaments were sponsored by Virginia Slims? How crazy is that?
I have three friends who’ve had lung cancer and one who started a fantastic lung cancer foundation so I asked my doctor to schedule me for a CT. They discovered a tiny, and I mean tiny spot. Nothing worried the doctor so they decided to just watch it. This year, my doctor suggested I find an oncologist closer to where we live to monitor it because this was out of her field. I went to see the same top-notch oncologist at UC Davis who is monitoring my husband’s lung spot for any changes.
He ordered a follow-up CT to see if it had changed. One week later, he phoned me. Gulp, how often does that happen? He said the small spot on my lung had not changed so not to worry, they would just continue to watch it. Whew! But… they did find a small tumor in the center of my chest, between my lungs, in front of my heart. He was referring me to a thoracic surgeon because it had to come out.
WHAT?
After scraping myself off the ceiling I googled everything I could about this type of tumor. It’s on my thymus, called a thymoma and conventional wisdom says it needs to come out. OK, I’m on board with that. If we have to, we will and deal with the consequences.
I couldn’t get in to see the surgeon until we got back from our trip to Palm Springs. It was a long and stressful wait. I upped my daily walks, meditation and kept on keeping on because what else can you do? Every time I found myself going down the dark hole of worry I would shift my thinking to something positive.
The current health crisis was just ramping on the day of my appointment to see the surgeon but there was no way I would miss this meeting. So hand sanitizer at the ready, we went. The surgeon told us she thinks the radiologist may be mistaken and it might just be a cyst or lymph node. I sure hope she’s right. She’s ordered an MRI but of course, no one wants me to go near a hospital right now, so everything is on hold and I wait.
A few weeks ago I also got a call back about my mammogram. Apparently the radiologist saw something they didn’t like the look of so they rushed me in for a diagnostic mammogram, followed by an ultrasound. The waiting was nerve-wracking, and I was not alone. The room was filled with nervous women, sitting quietly, lost in her own thoughts. I did notice that every other woman had put her purse on the floor. I never do. Do you?
The radiologist finally came in to tell me they’re still not happy with what they see so they’ve requested a breast MRI. I’m currently waiting for my insurance to approve that one. Right about now, I’m sure my insurance company is regretting they ever heard my name:)
It feels like our lives are on hold while we wait for this nasty situation to go away. I know I do.
I’m not going to lie, this is tough. I’m trying not to obsess over these upcoming MRI’s because I’m a huge believer in the power of positive thinking. In fact, I’m on my third fourth viewing of this movie, and will likely watch it again just to bolster my mood.
In the scheme of life these days, I know I am blessed. I can’t control many things these days, but I can control how I dress, whether I put on lipstick and what things I allow to fill my thoughts. I know many of you are also dealing with things that had to be put on hold. The best we can do is support each other, encourage positive thinking and be kind to ourselves and those around us.
Please we well and remember to wear what makes you feel confident. Our wardrobe, cosmetics, and perfume may seem frivolous to some, but I believe they are powerful tools we can use to keep our spirits up when life gets tough.
xx
All good thoughts and vibes sent to you. I know you are dealing with this with strength and grace.
My favorite quote:
“In the depths of winter, I found within myself an invincible summer.”
Albert Camus, Nobel Prize winning writer and hero of the French Resistance.
Your summer is there and blooming.
Best wishes;
Penny
I enjoy your blog very much and appreciate the time it takes to share your good fashion sense and other helpful information with us!
So sorry to hear of all you are dealing with; keep the faith and stay positive. You will be added to my prayer list.
Thank you so much, Rose
You are in my prayers. I had a breast needle biopsy quite a few years ago and it turned out to be nothing. It is hard to wait. My husband just completed his 20 daily raditation treatments for Lymphoma and we are grateful he is finished with the treatment. I will continue to pray for you.
So much to deal with all at once and the waiting is so hard. Sending warm wishes your way and hope for a speedy end to the “shelter at home” so you can get answers!
HI Jennifer,
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, especially in this time where it’s hard to get appointments and scary to go out. I’m a 2 year lung cancer survivor and doing well, but had to miss my 6 mo CT because of Covid. It helps me to remember that I don’t know if the cancer has returned or not, so why not believe I’m doing great….it’s just as valid as the other way of thinking and I feel a lot better.
Radical Remission by Kelly Turner, is a wonderful book for anyone to read, but especially those who are dealing with cancer/the possibility. It’s a compilation of the 10 most common practices for hundreds of people who had a radical remission from their cancer…no surprise they are all things that any human should probably be doing. The book is quite inspirational though and an easy read.
One of my mantra’s when I’m trying to get through a tough patch…It’s a beautiful wonderful world ,I don’t want to miss one minute of it by worrying and looking ahead.
And this one, sorry I don’t know who wrote it “Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength. Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once.
Keep breathing and doing all the wonderful things you already are. You have a huge community here who love you and are rooting for you. Hopefully you can feel us all hugging you. XO
Thank you so much
Jennifer, I am so sorry you are going through this waiting game. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.
To wait now when you don’t have easy distractions would be so much tougher. I understand the waiting & those stomach sinking conversations. I don’t wish that for anyone & you will be in my prayers. Life can change course in a split second & you’re right, attitude is everything. Sending you a big hug & all our best to Kevin too.
Jennifer, at my last mammogram, I was called back for a diagnostic mammogram because they saw something. Honestly, I couldn’t eat for 5 days. I lost 4 pounds during the waiting time. All this Covid-19 stuff was just starting, but my husband offered to come with me and just sit in the waiting room. (Now they’ve changed the rules and he wouldn’t be allowed to come at all.) When the nurse came back to tell me it was calcium deposits, I cried! I cried! I went into the small dressing room and got down on my knees to thank God. I understand completely what you’re going through!!! Stay strong! Pray and let God handle it all for you. It goes without saying that you are now on my prayer list.
Thank you so much Sandy
Oh my goodness. Many good wishes to you. You’re doing great stuff. Don’t forget the power of laughter. Watch some hilarious movies. One each day or at least the funniest parts of them. Laugh a lot. And focus on, like you said the things you can control and what good you can do. HUGS and BEST of VIRTUAL WISHES!!
Beth
Counselor
Thanks so much Beth. That’s great advice
How worrying for you! I hope these are false alarms.
Best wishes to you for good health and good news soon!
Thanks Janet
What a wonderful outpouring of support you have received!! A truly lovely fan/friend base.
I just want to add that my hope for you is that whatever is found, has a solution and a treatment plan… a cure.
Perhaps the only thing worse than finding something amiss is not having a solution or support team to help you through. No cure. Both my daughter ( age 43) and I ( much older!) are in this situation and it’s a perpetual state of uncertainty and limbo that never goes away. So prayers and blessings to you and your medical team to find solutions to whatever ails you and life can be full and free of fears.
Oh no! I’m sending prayers and best wishes to you and your daughter. Hang in there.
Dear Jennifer,
Thinking of you and sending love and support to you and yours during this awful time of not knowing. I went through breast cancer 10 years ago and had to do the lympectomy/more surgery/ chemo/radiation/ medication route, which I am still on, but I am cancer free and I am so incredibly thankful. You can get through this…
Huge gift from cancer was how amazingly close my marriage is, even more so going through that, so that is something really nice. Though he went through hell too trying to “protect” me; so in hindsight I wish I had made sure he had a wall around him of very good, old friends who could have turned all their energy and love on him in the beginning. Our partners desperatly need support too. And he is a typical southern guy who won’t focus on himself….
Best thing I did was choose my close girlfriends wisely and “put down the hatches” on others who I did not know so well, the trolls, who, once they knew or overheard socially would give you those “dramatic sympathic eyes ” as if you were already gone-keep away from anybody who wants to befriend you on false pretenses.
Keep away from the internet. I listened to Jonathan Kabat Zin on meditation and upped my yoga/walking/pilates and that really helped mentally. Surround yourself with positivity and light and love. And when things go dark you have your close best buddies to talk too. I kept a journal and vomited all fears into it and once thank God the journey was done I just burnt it and moved on. That was that time now for something else. Went to Hawaii and had a second honeymoon.
A wise nutritionist can make up a plan for you so you are in fighting shape food wise.
Thinking of you and sending a huge hug dear lady.
You are a shining light of inspiration and happiness and joy to many of us and we are all here for you:)
I can’t tell you how much this means to me Francesca. You are so very sweet. Thank you!
My husband finished six months of chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer this week after a major surgery at Mayo last summer. I have this impulse to get rid of all the lovely cards, the comfort quilt, any remnants and reminders of these months. Moving on. Unfortunately we had to cancel a celebratory trip to Palm Springs because of COVID but we are ready to turn the page. Best to you, Jennifer. Yes, waiting is excruciating.
Thanks for trusting us and sharing your burden. We are here to give you as much confidence and comfort as you give us….as much as a group of blog readers can while you wait this out.
You’ve got an army of us readers that care deeply about you.
Before I left Kaiser for a PPO on Dec 31, I went for all my routine things: mammogram, Pap smear, colonoscopy. Every one of them resulted in “we found something” and required biopsies, MRIs and such. I felt like I was at Kaiser every day for 3 months. All results were OK. Longest 3 months of my life.
Being on hold is unimaginably hard.
I wish you fortitude and sound mental health to endure the waiting. And of course, that you will get uplifting results and be able to enjoy a healthy life again without worry as soon as possible.
I’m so glad your tests all came back clear. That’s terrifying. I really appreciate your kindness, thank you