Still Waiting: A Life on Hold
Happy Tuesday ladies. Several weeks, (or was it months ago?) ago I mentioned I was having some health challenges and awaiting a few test results. Several ladies have written to ask how they turned out so I thought I would give you an update.
Let me start at the beginning.
Last year…oh crap, this is going to be a long one…I had a CT to check the health of my lungs. I’d been a 2 1/2 pack a day smoker for many years when I was young and dumb. It seemed like everyone smoked back then, but I smoked a lot. Remember when tennis tournaments were sponsored by Virginia Slims? How crazy is that?
I have three friends who’ve had lung cancer and one who started a fantastic lung cancer foundation so I asked my doctor to schedule me for a CT. They discovered a tiny, and I mean tiny spot. Nothing worried the doctor so they decided to just watch it. This year, my doctor suggested I find an oncologist closer to where we live to monitor it because this was out of her field. I went to see the same top-notch oncologist at UC Davis who is monitoring my husband’s lung spot for any changes.
He ordered a follow-up CT to see if it had changed. One week later, he phoned me. Gulp, how often does that happen? He said the small spot on my lung had not changed so not to worry, they would just continue to watch it. Whew! But… they did find a small tumor in the center of my chest, between my lungs, in front of my heart. He was referring me to a thoracic surgeon because it had to come out.
WHAT?
After scraping myself off the ceiling I googled everything I could about this type of tumor. It’s on my thymus, called a thymoma and conventional wisdom says it needs to come out. OK, I’m on board with that. If we have to, we will and deal with the consequences.
I couldn’t get in to see the surgeon until we got back from our trip to Palm Springs. It was a long and stressful wait. I upped my daily walks, meditation and kept on keeping on because what else can you do? Every time I found myself going down the dark hole of worry I would shift my thinking to something positive.
The current health crisis was just ramping on the day of my appointment to see the surgeon but there was no way I would miss this meeting. So hand sanitizer at the ready, we went. The surgeon told us she thinks the radiologist may be mistaken and it might just be a cyst or lymph node. I sure hope she’s right. She’s ordered an MRI but of course, no one wants me to go near a hospital right now, so everything is on hold and I wait.
A few weeks ago I also got a call back about my mammogram. Apparently the radiologist saw something they didn’t like the look of so they rushed me in for a diagnostic mammogram, followed by an ultrasound. The waiting was nerve-wracking, and I was not alone. The room was filled with nervous women, sitting quietly, lost in her own thoughts. I did notice that every other woman had put her purse on the floor. I never do. Do you?
The radiologist finally came in to tell me they’re still not happy with what they see so they’ve requested a breast MRI. I’m currently waiting for my insurance to approve that one. Right about now, I’m sure my insurance company is regretting they ever heard my name:)
It feels like our lives are on hold while we wait for this nasty situation to go away. I know I do.
I’m not going to lie, this is tough. I’m trying not to obsess over these upcoming MRI’s because I’m a huge believer in the power of positive thinking. In fact, I’m on my third fourth viewing of this movie, and will likely watch it again just to bolster my mood.
In the scheme of life these days, I know I am blessed. I can’t control many things these days, but I can control how I dress, whether I put on lipstick and what things I allow to fill my thoughts. I know many of you are also dealing with things that had to be put on hold. The best we can do is support each other, encourage positive thinking and be kind to ourselves and those around us.
Please we well and remember to wear what makes you feel confident. Our wardrobe, cosmetics, and perfume may seem frivolous to some, but I believe they are powerful tools we can use to keep our spirits up when life gets tough.
xx
Jennifer – Holding you and your husband up in prayer at this scary time. So inspired by your positive attitude! I hate when people say “I know how you feel”….but it’s true. My wonderful husband of 43 years had a severe heart attack late in February. Never smoked, ate healthy most of the time ( oatmeal every day, an apple each day…), exercised, think, cholesterol numbers a little high but at check ups told the good levels were so good it ramped the number up, just keep doing what you are doing. So bam, one morning he has chest pain, clammy, etc. – rushed to hospital and three stents in the “widowmaker” and heart damage. Was supposed to come home in two days….stayed four due to blood pressure issues. Two weeks later, on my 65th birthday, when we were supposed to be in NYC with tix to great shows ( which we cancelled after the attack) he ended back up in the hospital because they thought he was having a stroke. Since then, 6 med changes, and last week when he reported his bp they said, oh, that is not good…go to the ER! The ER in this crisis. But you can’t mess with this…we went, it was bizarre, but once again a med problem and sent home. Like you, we are not waiting for tests but waiting for cardiac rehab to open so he can get back on the road to recovery. So, I pray for you and the gift of staying positive. That is what I am praying for me. I keep thinking of what our pastor kept saying when he came to the hospital to sit with me when the attack happened – ” All will be well, All will be well, All manner of things will be well.” St. Julian of Norwich. Blessings to you!
Oh Ann, how terrifying. You’ve both been through the ringer. I’m praying he will stabilized and things can calm down. Thanks for your kind words.
Jennifer, I’m sending up lots of prayers for you and your family (I know the “waiting” is so hard on family members, too). Virtual hugs to all.
Thank you so much Renee
Jennifer, it seems your physicians are on top of this. Be positive, it will serve you well in so so many ways. Be blessed every day for all you can find joy in … move ahead with your lipstick on and your head held high.
Warm thoughts.
Jennifer, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. Waiting is hard at the best of times and now, with this pandemic and no end in sight, it’s even harder. I was supposed to have an ultrasound today to check on the cancer in my thyroid (third unrelated cancer in the past six years), but it’s on hold until the current situation comes to an end. As many have already said, a positive attitude really does help. I’ll be praying for you!
Dear Jennifer, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Wishing you the very best.
Eileen
Prayers and positive thoughts!
So sorry you are going thru this. As you can see from all of the comments, you are not alone. You’re in our thoughts & prayers. Hugs
Jennifer:
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. It is the waiting that is so difficult. In the absence of facts our mind fills with conjecture. I will keep you in my prayers.
Barb
Dear Jennifer;
Please know you are in my heart and thoughts.
I am sending you every positive thought I can muster, and I know you are dealing with this with grace and strength.
Even though most of us have never met, you have a whole sisterhood of people who are sending you love and our best wishes. I am just one of hundreds.
One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Camus, the Nobel Prize winning writer and a French Resistance hero.
‘In the depths of winter, I found within myself an invincible summer”.
Stay strong, dear long distance friend.
Penny
Love that quote. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you so much Penny. That means that means the world to me.
And my purse never goes on the ground! lol
The only floor my purse goes on it at my home. In public NOPE. My lap works and that’s why crossbodies were invented!
Oh my goodness, that is the last thing you need right now. I will send healing thoughts your way. I had a cyst/growth scare 18 months ago when the MRIs and ultrasounds could not rule out scary stuff. They did surgery and it turned out to be endometriosis/adenomyosis and the good thing was they were able to put me on a treatment program that’s been game changing. I love Heal and really believe it (mind you I believe in surgery and a good Rx too!) Take extra good care of yourself. Xx
Thymomas can be benign. Some women have their thymus gland removed during parathyroidectomy, due to enlargement. The good news is that once you’re an adult, the thymus has already done its job in the immune system, so you can live without it.
You’ve got this.
Just remember it is not positive thinking as much as it is positive FEELING……it is Love that creates and heals
Sending positive vibes and prayers to you sweet lady. xxx
Good luck Jennifer and thank you for sharing. My husband is also having health challenges. Not easy circumnavigating the health system during Covid19. Lots of prays and good luck
So sorry to hear you are going through this. Nothing worse than waiting for results, and this time is so anxious anyway. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing you the very best.
I HATE those medical delays. “We’ll get back to you.” Yes, to them it’s just another test, but to the patient… I had the “questionable” mammogram scare. They made me wait two weeks to tell me everything was hunky dory, just a false positive. I’m going to sit here and wish you all the good things. I have a track record getting good thing returns!i
As the saying goes: you cannot control what happens to you but you can control how you respond to it. I admire your positive attitude Jennifer. Remain positive in the knowledge of the support of your friends & loved ones, including we who draw so much inspiration from the thoughts & insights you share with us.
Jennifer, I’m holding a good thought that all will be well with you, and that you’ll be able to get definitive diagnoses as soon as possible. Sending you light & love…
Thank you for sharing your health struggles Jennifer. Praying for peace, strength & health for you.
In all your waiting around, you may find strength in the terrific book I just finished “Hope Heals–A True Story of Overwhelming Loss and An Overwhelming Love” by a Katherine & Jay Wolf.
Your blog is much enjoyed by me & many others. May you find hope & healing soon.