Monday Musings: Thoughts on Invisibilty As Women Age
I had a unique experience this weekend that got me thinking about invisibility as women age. Did you know there’s an actual term called invisible woman syndrome? This social phenomenon is not reserved for women but does seem more prevalent for us, especially after 50.
Some forms of invisibility simply feel like a lack of respect. That happened to me this weekend on a crowded walkway. A group of people walking four abreast toward me did not seem to see me. I was walking along the edge of the sidewalk and couldn’t move over any further without having to step into the bike path…not a safe thing to do in the city. I stopped in my tracks and waited. They would have had to plow me down to continue, which seriously pissed me off. They looked up and skirted back to their side to let me pass. Rude? Possibly, but they seemed genuinely surprised to look up and find me there.
Being bumped into is just one form of invisibility. We can also simply find ourselves feeling ignored and irrelevant. Not all cultures prize youth over experience, but ours certainly does.
The truth is, there’s an invisibility that comes with aging, but it should always be our choice. You may not want to be in the spotlight, but you don’t have to feel invisible unless you want to.
Fashion is a powerful form of self-expression, but for older women, it can also play a role in combating invisibility. In a society that often overlooks us, the fashion we choose to wear can make a strong statement. We get to choose the message our clothes send.
It won’t surprise you to hear that some women simply get dressed without giving it much thought. Others assume that if a garment is new, it’s in style, and that’s all they’re concerned with. Some women don’t give much thought to the message their appearance sends because they’re happy to blend in and enjoy the freedom they get from flying under the radar. Other women carefully craft their appearance to stand out and use it as an art form. You can see them from a mile away, and they love that. How we choose to dress is as varied as our eye color and extremely personal.
The color, shape, and volume of our clothes all affect how much our outfits and we stand out. The same is true for accessories, which can do a lot of the heavy lifting to make our look distinctive.
I’ll have more on this topic later, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Do you craft your outfits to feel seen and feel vital? Do you prefer the freedom of not being noticed so you can wear what you damn well, please? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Save or Splurge
Our save or splurge outfit this week features a soft, feminine blouse and spring-like accessories in soft colors. Kick flare jeans are everywhere this spring and are a great option for ladies who want a shorter inseam.
Spring is a great time to swap out your solid leather bag for woven leather, straw canvas, or wicker.
The save outfit comes in around $150, and the splurge is closer to $4,368. Can you tell the difference? Which do you prefer?
Thanks for reading, and be sure to wear what makes you feel confident.
Your experience is what my sister was telling me just the other day. She was walking on the footpath and a young lady was walking towards her busy looking at her phone, my sister just kept walking and the girl almost walked right into her. I think part of it is people are so caught up in their own little world and have no idea of what is going on around them, not that I am excusing the behaviour. In regards to invisibility as we age I agree with it.
Jennifer,
I experience invisibility when I go to the make up counter in larger department stores. I stand there at the counter, no one acknowledges that I’m there. I took my sister in law with me and we were both ignored. I wrote a letter to the store manager and told them not to forget the ladies of a certain age.
We ladies used to be young and beautiful , now we are just beautiful!
Bravo for speaking up!
Well this is an interesting conversation and really made me stop and think a minute. As a woman in her sixties I can honestly say I’ve never felt invisible. I was trying to figure out why and the only thing I could come up with is because I don’t need attention from others to validate my worth. My confidence comes from within and is not based on what I wear or what others may think of what I wear. I dress for comfort and to please myself. It’s actually refreshing to be able to do this after a lengthy career in the corporate world where heels and business suits were expected to project an image. Yes this a youth oriented society but I think in a way some of us over 50 are actually acting as enabler’s of this. We spend a countless amount of time and money trying to cover our grey hair, making our thinning hair thicker, erasing wrinkles, covering age spots, lifting sagging necklines and filtering photos. Why do we do this? To look more youthful. To me it’s sad to see this much focus on appearance as a reflection of someone’s worth.
I am familiar with the invisibility concept but at 66 it’s not a concern to me. I always wonder invisible to whom? The only real change I have experienced is the absence of sexual attention from male strangers on the street and that is a bonus. I love style (my three descriptors are “luxe sophisticated boho”) but most of the adult women I see in daily life do not appear to have made much of an effort. (I’m not judging, just observing. Everyone has their own interests.) Perhaps their presentation contributes to the feeling of invisibility? At 20 I could roll out of bed and look good but now a little more work is required. Anyway, I generally find people to be kind and generous with their help if needed.
I love your descriptors! I’d really enjoying hearing how you style looks for that combo.
Oh, thanks. The “luxe” refers to fabrication – nicely sewn items of mostly natural fabrics (cotton, silk, linen and a small amount of rayon when unavoidable) and sterling or platinum jewelry with precious and semi-precious stones. The “sophisticated” means avoiding some of the boho excesses (fringe, wild print combinations, lots of bare skin, etc.) and using foundational basics in solid colors, mostly neutrals (Eileen Fisher-ish). The “boho” is usually the statement piece – a maxi dress or skirt, embroidered peasant blouse, a kimono topper – but can also be accessories such as an armful of sterling bangles, layered turquoise necklaces, a tooled leather bag or a pair of moccasins. I have a lot of fun with style.
Amazing, Terry. Your style sounds joyous and fun. Thanks for sharing
When I was young, I did not like getting the public attention I got, so for a while in my 50’s, it seemed a relief to be less visible. Now in my 70’s I am aware in certain situations (like going to a doctor) to sort of power up my appearance. I do that by overdressing a bit, wearing a vibrant color or a comment worthy accessory. Not all of those at the same time!
I am so infuriated on your behalf at that public disregard. So rude.
The topic of wanting to be invisible made me laugh. I am struggling to find a nice outfit for my granddaughters high school graduation. I told my husband that I want to look nice but not as if I tried too hard ! I am comfortable with my age, a few added lbs and the person I am. However, if what happened to you while walking, happened to me I would be pissed ! Not sure how I would have handled it. You are a beautiful woman. I can’t imagine you are invisible. I think a lot of people have become rude.
I’ve felt invisible many times. I’m enjoying reading everyone’s take on this topic.
I experienced invisibility a few years ago while shopping for a new vehicle. At the time I had been working nights and weekends remotely for several years and as such was new car shopping mid day and “ dressed down” …. I knew what I wanted – I was prepared to test drive but sadly I was not acknowledged so free browsing I left and made my purchase somewhere else.
Good for you. Sales people make assumptions that they shouldn’t.
Most people walking along have their noses stuck in their phones, so everyone is invisible. When I’m in my wheelchair, it’s worse. Not being at eye level, I surprise them when they notice me aiming for their toes. I have actually run into more than one oblivious pedestrian, and not usually on purpose. My answer to their “Oh, sorry” is always “It’s a very good idea to watch where you’re going.”
Good for you Kay. “not usually” speaks volumes 🙂
I agree with lots of comments from other ladies, ie dress for yourself, where what makes you comfortable etc . I am now 70 and life teaches us many things , I am happy wearing coordinated
items , even when at home , I am not a fan of a mishmash of colours but that’s my choice .If
a lady wears a rainbow of colours that’s her choice and I respect that.
My son had to take me on a quick unexpected errand , and he came a bit early I hadn’t finished putting my look together . He said hurry up Mum , just a minute I need to put this and that on. He said nobody cares Mum what you got on they are more interested in what they have on. I did laugh because I suppose it’s true.
When you said you went to the symphony I assume it was a classical concert, what was on the
Program. My love of Opera and Classical Music has been my one saviour since I was about 6, yes a very young child. My Grandfather had an old gramophone and I remember lots of old 78rpm records of Enrico Caruso and I adored listening to them .My father died from Leukaemia when I was 14 and Classical music was my saviour in raw grief. Apart from Grampa No One in my family likes it, my very
grown up children tease me that I traumatised them playing Beethoven or Rachmaninov etc. whilst growing up. My husband liked a bit of piano music but he said I traumatised him as well lol🤣
.For me it is a passion. The power of music is good for the soul .I have listed my favourite pieces to be
played at my funeral , they will cry and I think it will be tears of oh Mum not that piece again instead of
tears of my passing. Lol. They have no idea what I have in store for them at the Crematorium lol.
But hey that’s a long tome way off .
Regards Pamela Wales UK ,
Pamela Wales UK
We heard Beethovin, and it was fabulous. We listen to classical music most of the time at home because I find it soothing. I am also reminded that my Dad always had it playing in our home when I was growing up.
Hello Jennifer: I am sorry for the thoughtless behavior of the people on the sidewalk. I guess the best lesson to draw from it is the need to be careful to acknowledge others and carefully navigate public spaces. If we all go a little slower when in airports, cafes, stores etc, maybe we can make sure everyone is acknowledged. I dress for me. If others like it, that’s great. But I like it, and that’s the important part.
Wow, what an exciting topic! My mother would always complain about it. What upset her the most was that when she had us take her to an appointment, they would address us and not her, and she was standing right there. My mother lived independently, drove, and took classes until she was 95. I understand what she is talking about, but I don’t experience it to such a degree because I am almost 6′ tall. I am the one who is stopped and asked questions or for help even though I don’t work for an establishment. My daughter commented on being invisible as you get older: if you robbed a bank, no one could describe you. They only knew that you were old. They took no notice of you because you were invisible to them.
Nice outfits, but I seem to want the expensive one.
Wow, I would be so frustrated to be treated like your mother!! Your daughter is funny
As a 76 year old stylish ( I think) woman and living in a community with lots of retired people I think how you look has a lot to do with how you are sometimes treated. Also posture, a strong voice, tone of voice and the words you use are important. And a smile never hurts if it is appropriate. I hear complaints about this often and can usually spot several of the above things in the person who is complaining. A little self-assessment and self-awareness might help. BTW I don’t think you need to be a fashion plate to be treated with courtesy and self respect. If in spite of all things, if you don’t get treated correctly, it can be perfectly ok to call this to the attention to the offending person or their supervisor and possibly ask for an apology.
I agree
Thank you for sharing your experience Jennifer and ladies. I have been in the same situation where someone walks approaching me and sees my rollator and still hurries to get into the door ahead of me at a restaurant and lets to door close in my face. This is a small middle class western town and you would think people would have better manners.
The advent of the cellphone, 24-hour connectivity, and social media has helped make many of us more invisible. Case in point: I used to strike up conversations with those around me in the waiting room at the airport. Look around you now and everyone is in the own little sphere swiping away on a phone. They have little interest as to whom is sitting across from them or next to them – nor do they even notice. Walk down any busy street and people are so “into” their phones that they don’t notice who or what is around them. And some of them get hit by cars in cross-walks! Is this not symptomatic of a “connected but disconnected” society in which we’re living – and how we’re getting along with others – less and less? Just ranting a little, here, Jennifer. Love your blog and fashion/lifestyle advice. A good thing!
You are m ore than welcome to rant. I agree. Everyone has their nose buried in their phone.
Funny, I had a similar in experience in Vancouver when we were there a couple of weeks ago! It was a group of 4 ” young people” all chattering away and I had to exclaim EXCUSE ME! to avoid being herded into the street. Funny, though, it never occurred to me that it had anything to do with my age ( 69), just their preoccupation with each other. I was dressed in jeans, sneakers and a puffer coat, just like them…🤷♀️
Interesting thought about invisibility. I wonder how many of us women over 50 find the younger women invisible. I look out for women over 50, offering a smile or hello if our eyes meet, paying attention to their manner of dress and style, waiting to send a compliment their way. These women are far more interesting and delightful to chat with. The younger women seem stressed out, too busy trying to keep up with life’s challenges. I’m on my last part of life’s journey and I’m making the most of it.
I feel inviable and am 65 years old. I have really noticed it in the last few years. I put a lot of thought in what to wear and never leave the house even for a walk without makeup, and hair done. But yes I feel invisible, even to my husband. I am not the best looking woman, but I try and work out and walk every day. I am to the point that I am not even sure how to wear my hair, to cut it or what. What makeup, moisturizers ect.. I read everything I can get my hands on, but no one seems to see me anymore, so I am not sure what to do.
Don’t let it pull you down. Wear what makes you happy because that’s what matters.
Great article. I’m 73, have been told I don’t look my age, but I do take the time with makeup, skin care, flattering hair color and cut, and comfortable, but fashionable clothes. It’s not a big effort, but the results are worth it. There are times that being invisible isn’t so awful, great time to observe and enjoy people watching. Also, when I least expected it, I met a great guy who always sees me…Youth is celebrated, but I don’t regret my age, lots of experience to draw from. I love your symphony outfit…..
Invisibility is alive and well. I dress well, wear makeup 90% of the time, hair is fixed nicely every day. I’m in my 60s, and as a result of my experience below, have closed my Ulta account and marked any emails from them as spam. This is long, but shows the history of my experience, my contact with Ulta Corporate, and NOTHING from the local store. “RE: 10/07/22, 11:00AM visit to Ulta Store, Woodlands Square Shopping Center, 3142 Tampa Road, Oldsmar FL 34676 I entered the store around 11AM intending to ask questions and purchase a whole new line of skincare products. I stopped immediately inside the door to look at a The Ordinary display, saw two sales associates just up the aisle, and continued forward towards them. Both were chatting with each other, a young White male associate and an older Black female, who certainly did not look like an employee, based upon her clothing. Not once did either one acknowledge me, nor offer assistance. I then browsed the store, and stopped at another couple of skincare displays, the last being the Bare Minerals display almost adjacent to the same two sales associates, who were still chatting. They greeted and acknowledged a much younger shopper, and the White male associate walked by me, took the customer to the store area they needed, walked past me again, and promptly returned to the same position at the end of the next aisle to chat with the Black female associate. However, still no greeting or offer of assistance for me. As per usual, I was well-dressed, hair and make up done, jewelry on, and obvious just by appearance that I have money to spend. I’m in my 60s and feel like I was completely and purposely ignored solely because of my age. The ironic and sad thing is, the Black female associate is probably older than I am. Not once did any of the Ulta associates acknowledge my presence as I browsed the store, front to back. Very disappointing and an eye-opener that Ulta doesn’t care about their older clientele, who are exactly the demographic with the most disposable income
10/07/22 Ulta Corporate partial response: “We know your experience felt unfair, and we will be absolutely passing this feedback to the Store Operations team and asking that they reach out to you directly in order to further address your visit.“
12/08/23 my follow-up to Ulta Corporate: “Well, it’s been two months since your email, and I have received absolutely no response from the actual store. No email, no phone call, nothing. I have discussed my shocking Ulta experience with several friends, and they are also taking their business elsewhere. It is obvious that the Oldsmar Ulta store does not want any business from women older than 55. What a shame to purposely exclude and ignore an entire demographic.”
Unfortunately, it isn’t the first time I’ve felt invisible, but it seems to happen more since I passed 55 or 60. But, with age, comes confidence, assurance, and self-value. And I have no qualms about addressing it, if warranted.
Wow, that is so unacceptable! We do speak with our dollars so I would have done the exact same things as you. In fact, I would have written to the distric manager about the manager and probably kept annoying them.
I got so involved in thinking about invisibility, I forgot to comment on your lush, gorgeous, velvet jacket. You ought to get a lot of wear from it! I can see it looking so terrific with jeans or a dress too. I did check it out and unfortunately, the price is out of my budget. You can be assured, you look elegantly turned out for the symphony.
Thank you!