Monday Musings: Thoughts on Invisibilty As Women Age
I had a unique experience this weekend that got me thinking about invisibility as women age. Did you know there’s an actual term called invisible woman syndrome? This social phenomenon is not reserved for women but does seem more prevalent for us, especially after 50.
Some forms of invisibility simply feel like a lack of respect. That happened to me this weekend on a crowded walkway. A group of people walking four abreast toward me did not seem to see me. I was walking along the edge of the sidewalk and couldn’t move over any further without having to step into the bike path…not a safe thing to do in the city. I stopped in my tracks and waited. They would have had to plow me down to continue, which seriously pissed me off. They looked up and skirted back to their side to let me pass. Rude? Possibly, but they seemed genuinely surprised to look up and find me there.
Being bumped into is just one form of invisibility. We can also simply find ourselves feeling ignored and irrelevant. Not all cultures prize youth over experience, but ours certainly does.
The truth is, there’s an invisibility that comes with aging, but it should always be our choice. You may not want to be in the spotlight, but you don’t have to feel invisible unless you want to.
Fashion is a powerful form of self-expression, but for older women, it can also play a role in combating invisibility. In a society that often overlooks us, the fashion we choose to wear can make a strong statement. We get to choose the message our clothes send.
It won’t surprise you to hear that some women simply get dressed without giving it much thought. Others assume that if a garment is new, it’s in style, and that’s all they’re concerned with. Some women don’t give much thought to the message their appearance sends because they’re happy to blend in and enjoy the freedom they get from flying under the radar. Other women carefully craft their appearance to stand out and use it as an art form. You can see them from a mile away, and they love that. How we choose to dress is as varied as our eye color and extremely personal.
The color, shape, and volume of our clothes all affect how much our outfits and we stand out. The same is true for accessories, which can do a lot of the heavy lifting to make our look distinctive.
I’ll have more on this topic later, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Do you craft your outfits to feel seen and feel vital? Do you prefer the freedom of not being noticed so you can wear what you damn well, please? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Save or Splurge
Our save or splurge outfit this week features a soft, feminine blouse and spring-like accessories in soft colors. Kick flare jeans are everywhere this spring and are a great option for ladies who want a shorter inseam.
Spring is a great time to swap out your solid leather bag for woven leather, straw canvas, or wicker.
The save outfit comes in around $150, and the splurge is closer to $4,368. Can you tell the difference? Which do you prefer?
Thanks for reading, and be sure to wear what makes you feel confident.
This was a great post and wonderful comments. My mother always wore bright colors and everything matched into her 90 s , she loved red so she was noticed. I don’t, I tend to live with black, white and pinks and are not as self confident as she was. I do appreciate your fashion sense and order most things from Nordstrom because there clothes are always made well.
I tried to embrace red, but haven’t gotten there yet
As I was reading your column, I immediately thought, “inconsiderate” and “self- centered”, and I see many others agree! Whether walking 3 or 4 abreast, or singly, people can be oblivious, and into their own world. This is a common experience in NYC near me, but I’ve never felt “invisible” (am in early 70’s) …just chalked it up to the inconsideration of others! And you should too! If I was about to walk into you, I’m sure I’d notice you and give you a compliment! But your “Invisibility” topic is an interesting one! As for fashion, I’ve always been comfortable wearing red and other bright colors and chunky jewelry. Perhaps at an event occasionally felt like I should just blend in. Most days now I dress for physical comfort if I’m just doing errands, and don’t put much thought into it. When I do go “out” I try to look current with coordinated outfits, but I’m not that good at styling casual clothes- that’s why I subscribed to your blog!! Am enjoying your outfits, tips, DR Diaries, and Save or Splurge! You are inspiring!
Comfort is key for me these days too.
Catching up on posts and wanted to comment. I didn’t really notice invisibility until I hit 70. I know what I see in the mirror, but all of a sudden I feel like a crossed a threshold in aging where people (mostly younger women) ask me if I can make it up the stairs, or they caution me about going down steps, and it just makes me think, do I look that old? I don’t have gray hair and I don’t hobble around, so I don’t know what happened, but oh well! My attitude is, it is what it is! I take pride in my appearance, I dress for the day in nice clothes, and 6 days out of 7 I do a full make-up, even if I’m not going out. It makes me happy. I’ve always loved make-up and dressing “up.” I love bright colors and classic dressing with modern touches. The bright colors I wear are not to stand out, but just what I like. This was an interesting topic, and it’s good to hear that others feel invisible. We just have to NOT feel invisible to ourselves.
I think it’s so important to take pride in our appearance.
A recent experience for me…Grocery Store Invisibility. My local grocery store (H.E.B.) is wildly popular and always crowded, especially on weekends. I was rounding the end of the aisle, and there was an older woman (older than me, and I’m 60) who was trying to reach something on the top shelf. Grocery shoppers – specifically a younger woman pushing a cart – came up behind her and then tried to squeeze between the lady and myself! (The aisles are narrow, just enough room for two-way driving if everyone stays on their own side of the road.) I said “Hey! Drive on the right and please wait your turn or you’re going to injure one of us!” The man who was with her tore into me saying “You could just get out of the way” and they shoved right through, bumping the other woman’s and my carts. Thankfully nobody was hurt.
I was APALLED at his behavior and so rattled by the encounter! I wish I’d notified the manager immediately, but I doubt anything could or would have been done.
That’s simply awful! I’m sorry.
Jennifer, I have wondered my entire life if I am invisible. Am I telegraphing to others that I am unimportant? I am 5’4″ and a size 4 to 6. I have never been model thin nor overweight. I have always dressed stylishly and favor bright colors. I think my looks are pretty average, but I have always tried to have my hair and makeup done nicely when I am out and about. I cannot tell you how many times I have been totally ignored in stores and restaurants. I have “joked” with my family about being an invisible woman, but it is not a recent phenomenon. I am 69 and I can’t say it happens more frequently now that I am “older”. It happened to me when I was a slim, pretty 20 something.
I have questioned if it is my posture, my short stature, something about my introverted personality that I am projecting to the world, or if it’s just that people , including sales help, are just so self-absorbed that they don’t pay attention to other humans. I do suspect that there is something my body language is saying, but I have never figured out exactly what it is.
On a similar tangent, way back when I was 30 years old, my husband and I bought our first house. At the time, we had a 5 year old daughter. During the moving process, I took my daughter out to a sit-down restaurant for lunch. I was wearing jeans and an old t shirt. I was not unkempt or dirty, but I had no makeup on, my hair was in a ponytail, and I certainly was not wearing stylish clothes. I was in the middle of moving boxes from our apartment into our new house! The hostess at the restaurant seated me and my daughter at the worst table in the house. We were put in a back corner just outside the kitchen door. We passed by several empty tables on the way to the table in the “wasteland”. A server took our order in a reasonable amount of time. When my daughter and I finished our sandwiches she asked if she and I could share a slice of fudge cake for dessert. This particular restaurant was famous for their fudge cake. I told my daughter yes. We waited for at least 15 minutes for the server to come back and check on us. She never did. In fact, she’d never checked on us a single time during the course of our meal, not even to deliver the bill. I told my daughter we’d have to go somewhere else for dessert. I paid our tab at the front register and did not leave a tip. I always assumed that my daughter and I got ignored that day because I was not dressed up. Maybe the server assumed that I was too poor to afford dessert; maybe she assumed I was a single mom and too poor to leave a decent tip, so she would not “waste her time” on us. I have always felt that my appearance, though clean and not shabby, had a lot to do with being treated badly that day.
Our appearance does effect the way people treat us. She could also have been a bad or new waitress who was doing a bad job.