Thoughts On Going Gray
Everyone’s perspective on gray hair is unique. Whether a woman chooses to embrace her gray hair or dye it, we need to respect her personal choice because the most important thing is to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. Today I want to share some thoughts on going gray.
As expected, I decided what to do with my haircut as I sat in the stylist’s chair yesterday. The longer we chatted, the more I realized how unhappy I’ve been with the way my hair is going gray. Rather than the bright silver or white I’d hoped for, mother nature has given me a messy melange of white, silver, and blonde. It looks muddy rather than bright. Combine that with letting my layers grow out, and you have a recipe for Jennifer taking scissors into her own hands, which is never a good plan.
Embracing your gray hair can be a powerful act of self-acceptance, but it’s not for every woman. I’ve earned every single one of those strands, and they’re a testament to the full life I’ve lived. However, I want to look and feel the best I can, and I’m not convinced I can get there without some help from added highlights.
How the color started
I started adding highlights to my hair at fifteen.
First came good old SunIn, which turned it a disgusting orange shade and left it feeling like straw. Then I moved on to the sophisticated crochet hook and shower cap routine, which looked splotchy and cheesy. I persevered and “streaked” my hair until foils came along, and I could afford a real stylist. I gradually forgot what my original hair color looked like. I just knew I was some type of blonde.
In 2021, I decided to go gray. Many of you shared your journey and encouraged me to stick with it. Along with the color, the texture has changed, and it’s lost a lot of shine. The whole point of highlights is to add brightness, which I must have always felt my natural color was missing. They also swell the hair, which adds body and helps my thinning hair look thicker.
The stylist asked if I wanted her to put a few highlights up front, to add that “pop” that I’ve been missing. I thought long and hard about it, then decided to wait. I had her cut a few layers into my hair and take off about 1 1/2″. I realize my stylist at home has been blending my layers into a smoothness that is counterproductive for its volume.
Volumizing Products
I came home with an arsenal of new hair products to boost my volume, and I may go back to using Velcro rollers.
I know that some women simply prefer how they look without gray hair, and there is no moral failure in that. I may be one of them. I’m going to pay more attention to the style of my hair as the color continues to evolve and leave my options open.
Does your stylist help direct how you should cut your hair?
Hi Jennifer. I’m learning to accept my hair turning gray. I used to get highlights & lowlights mainly to add volume to my fine thin hair. Once my hair grew back in after chemo 2 years ago, I let it go natural. My color now is ashy brown with a fair amount of gray mixed in. I call the color taupe. It has changed the colors in my wardrobe that best flatter me now but I’m ok with it. My stylist would love to add some highlights but my hair is somewhat fragile. She fully understands & works really hard to add volume. I am growing out most of my layers & she stacked the back a bit at my last appointment. I love it & it has helped the splitting I was getting near my ears. I use Velcro rollers because I’m totally inept with a dryer & brush.
I won’t get into all the hair products I use but I do use Rogaine, I take Nutrafol at my dermatologist’s suggestion & I use the IRestore Professional low level light therapy hat every other day. I’m not endorsing these for others but I’ve seen a big improvement in the thickness of my hair. And of course, I’ve purchased/used these with the approval of my doctors. It’s a journey but I’m happy to have hair & primarily want to make it the best it can be!
Thank you for sharing your journey, Judy. I use Rogaine and Nutrafol too. I’m never sure what’s keeping my hair in but happy to keep using whatever seems to be working. I wondered if I would be compliant with the light cap. I tried the hairband and found it a pain. Literally. It jabbed my scalp. Maybe the cap is easier?
The hat is my 1st experience with a device like this so I can’t compare, but it doesn’t jab my head at all. I use the 25 minutes for ‘quiet’ time or sometimes if I’m on the phone talking to a friend. It seems to fly by generally. I’m right around the 6 month mark with it & quite happy with my results.
This post & so many of your others address topics well beyond fashion alone that hit home with your followers. Keep up the wonderful work! And I do appreciate that you invest a lot of time & energy into this.
Thank you Judy. I may try one because the jabbing was what stopped me from using the headband.
Your hair looks beautiful! And yes, I too have been discouraged with my hair or parts of it and taken scissors to it!
During Covid I even cut the back! Mistake!
Hi Jennifer
Thanks for sharing your journey with going gray. I especially appreciate your remarks that each woman should do what makes her feel best and happiest with herself. I tried going gray recently and hated it. It really affected my self esteem. I’m slowly going back to being a redhead again (born that way) and trying to avoid too much damage to my ever thinning hair. One more visit to the salon and I should be back to what I consider “myself “. So many women are beautiful with gray or white (my hair) which is why I tried it in the first place. It just wasn’t for me at this stage of my life. I’m sure that will change with age. Best wishes in your journey and thanks for your wonderful blog! 😃
Great point! We have to be ready and it has to make us happy. It’s our choice, not a political statement.
Layers are key for me (and you). Your comment about your previous stylist blending the layers so everything lay cohesively is exactly my current problem. I need a new stylist, one who will not give me the “old lady haircut” I keep ending up with — but breaking up with the old and finding the new is hard. Or, I think it’s hard — you made it happen easily, it seems!
I do need layers. Blunt ones and only on top. Too many and the bottom is see through.
Hi Jennifer, Your hair looks great. I am still coloring mine, not brave enough to left it gray. I don’t feel that my hairdresser actually advises me but rather just does it the same each time. I do get frustrated, not sure what to do.
Enjoy your time in Vancouver.
It’s a catch 22 with stylists. I want a talented and creative one but I also need to feel in control.
Jennifer, your hair looks fabulous. What a lift. Love the highlights.
Yes, hair is a personal choice. One must be happy with it or nothing will feel right.
Enjoy.
Suzanne
Thank you
I don’t know if I can explain why I still add color to my hair and choose to not go completely gray but to say that this is who I am. My hair has been on a complicated journey all my life. Coloring it when not necessary and so many cuts, from very short to my current shoulder+ length. It’s just such a personal choice. My current hairstylist is a treasure. She listens, offers ideas and ultimately supports my decisions. If a highlight or lowlight adds to my confidence, then so be it. My style choice today is much more natural, less structured, less sprayed and easier to maintain. Day one and two, I can wear it down and day three it goes up in a clip or pony tail.
Do what makes you feel good!
I love your attitude Jan. Mine is such a thinning struggle it weighs heavily on my confidence.
I recently started growing out my colour. I wanted to see what my hair looks like in its natural state. I had no idea what to expect, but it’s coming in with a mix of salt and pepper. So, it’s interesting. Deciding to go natural feels authentic for me. I’m not sure I’m going to have my “Lisa LaFlamme” moment (her hair is gorgeous) but it will be 100% me.
I pretty much decide my hair style and cut. I have had a blonde weave since I left college. I can tell I’m gradually getting grey hair because my roots are less obvious as me hair grows out. But I will weave my hair with blonde (until I can’t afford it any more) or I wouldn’t feel like me. My current stylist does suggest hair color and highlight options. I’ve been going to her for about two years and trust her advice implicitly.
That’s a great point. Our hair needs to help us feel like ourselves!
In many ways Jennifer , you are lucky to be blessed with blonde hair because even with foils and colour, it looks more natural (as you age) than dark brown hair, which I have. I get my hair professionally cut and coloured every 7 weeks, which keeps it looking soft and shiny, with no intention of letting go grey naturally. My current hairdresser is a delightful Chinese woman, who when we discuss styles, said, ‘you have Asian hair’ (very straight and dark brown), so it is a layered bob for me – and I am always happy with it.
The lack of contrast between the blonde and gray is easier for sure.
Hi, I appreciate your comments on going gray and getting a cut that helps volume. Could you please share with me the way to have a stylist cut layers for
volume? I have layers that make my hair smooth and flat. I have the dreaded thin, fine, somewhat frizzy and curly gray hair that is a challenge! I just moved and the new stylist was a nightmare!
Thanks!
It looked like she cut them bluntly, and didn’t blend. My stylist at home feathers them which is a flat disaster. She only layered the very top
Got it! That all makes sense.
Thanks so much!
My hair color is very similar to yours, and about the same length. Im having the same issue with thinning, and how to add layers to a blunt cut. Keep writing about hair styles for older ladies.
I will keep sharing.
Jennifer, I just LOVe your hair layered like that. It has so much vitality. Love the gray color too!
It’s feeling sassier which I really was missing. Thank you!
Jennifer-Try this(what did when went gray): had the stylist color/hi light my whole hair with a mix of dark/lite gray colors.
Why does that scare me? I just don’t have a good enough stylist that I trust to do that.
I recently switched stylists and am so happy. My hair is silver in front and gray with silver streaks in back. I wear a very spikey pixie. The new gal cuts it like a barber, dry with scissors. Does it ever behave better. I use a leave in conditioner, and then use a firmer styling product with shine.
I’m in the exact spot you are with your hair! I decided to go another month without any high or lowlights. A great cut makes a huge difference & I’m adding some hydrating conditioner to cut out the frizzies. So far it’s not weighing down my fine textured hair. Between Living Proof & Kevin Murphy, I’m happy with the results of added shine & volume. It’s a balancing act, isn’t it?!
Ps your haircut looks great!
I love the Living Proof too. It adds so much volume.
Which living proof product do you use? And which shampoo, etc?
I use the dry shampoo which adds volume on day two and three.
Our youngest daughter works for Living Proof, and she has gifted me products from their Full line (shampoo, conditioner, thickening cream), plus more recently a volumizing mousse. Love all of the products, though the mousse is a bit drying and leaves my hair a bit stiff.
What kind of shampoo are you using? I don’t know if it is ok to mention brands so I won’t mention my favorite but blue/purple shampoo works miracles! My stylist picked the one she likes and my hair which is on the white side of gray absolutely shines. I don’t use it every shampoo because eventually I would have the REAL old lady lavender hair. I encouraged several of my friends to try it and they, too, are huge fans of blue/purple shampoo. I think your hair always looks lovely.
Please share the brand! I use one by Olaplex every so often. Maybe I’m not using it enough?
I’ve used Joico blue shampoo. My issue is more toning down what’s left of the brown hair I used to have. I find that blue/purple shampoos are rather “heavy” which might work against a ‘do that has volume. I wouldn’t do the shampoo and the Olaplex together as they both have a coating action on your hair.
See if you can find a sample size before springing for a big bottle!
Awesome, thanks Rose
Yes, please share! I’ve been using Redken Graydient and really like it, but I’m almost out and it looks like it’s been discontinued…..I have short hair, so a modest sized bottle of lavender tinted shampoo that is only used a couple of times/week lasts for AGES. Would love to have a recommendation from someone who actually uses the product, rather than relying on magazine websites (“the top 10 anti-brassiness shampoos for gray hair!”), because the cynic in me believes they only highlight products which advertise in their ‘zines.
Hi Jennifer,
I decided to fully commit when I turned 65. My stylist and I discussed it and came up with a plan. I let my gray grow out for 6 weeks, at which point she knew what my natural gray looked like. She put in highlights and low lights to match my roots. So I walked in with red hair and out with gray. It was great. I used purple shampoo, to keep the silver parts nice and cool as they grew out, and she glazed my hair at regular intervals to keep it shiny. My hair is now fully grown out from the color. I wear it in a simple stacked bob, which minimizes layers, and maximizes shine. I have a mix of white, silver and dark hair, but the top layers are mostly light. I get so many compliments from young and old alike. Ladies ask me who does my highlights. 😂. It took a couple of years to fully grow out, but was worth it. It’s very freeing not to have to worry about whether your color needs a touch up. 😁
Great point about layers and shine!!
I laughed when I saw Sun In. My sister-in-law and I used it one time and both turned carrot orange. What a disaster that was. LOL. I didn’t get the white or bright silver that I was hoping for either, but then I realized that I would look really washed out if I had gotten what I’d hoped for. I am more greige because I am peppered with a light brown/very dark dishwater blonde. If I am in bright light I look more white, and in less light it looks darker. My hair is thinner and finer than yours, so I keep it cut quite short. I will be interested in how you like the Kevin Murphy products
I’ve used these all before and love them! I just have to be careful not to use too many at one time or I have no shine and need a shine spray
Jennifer, your new style looks fabulous! I too have fine blonde hair (a smithering of grey around my hairline) that thinned due to thyroid issues but love, love, love, Kevin Murphy Body Builder, Repair-Me shampoo & conditioner. Thank you for your candid posts!
Thanks Bette! My thyroid wrecks havoc on my hair. I haven’t tried the Repair shampoo and conditioner but I love everything he makes so I’ll look for it.
I decided to go natural with a longer style during the long COVID ban on salon visits. Every time I looked in the mirror, I was washed out, but I persevered. When visits returned, I continued to persevere reminding myself how much money I was saving. One night after coming home from an evening out, my husband said he wished I would go back to coloring my hair. When I reminded him how much money I was saving, he replied (and I quote exactly) “I don’t care what it costs! I feel like I’m a companion to my grandmother! We worked hard all our lives to enjoy some of the luxuries we couldn’t while raising our children. Call the salon TOMORROW!” Needless to say, I’ve been back ever since and my stylist is wonderful at both the cut and color. I often receive compliments and am asked where I go. End of story!
I love your story Maureen! Washed out is what I’m feeling and it’s no fun.
I love that story too! Rather than get angry Maureen embraced the idea offered (not so gently) by her spouse and ended up at a happier place. I think as we age and spend more time than ever with our partners it is so, so important to reflect ( and laugh) at their opinions rather than take offense. That’s my 2 cents!!!
I agree Dorie. My husband refuses to comment on my hair one way or the other. It all goes back to the time (25 years ago) I came home with a very short haircut. His comment was, “what happened to you? Your hair got butchered.”
That was not a good thing to say to a woman reeling from a bad haircut 🤣 My response cured him of EVER giving an opinion on my hair.
You are right to wait on the color. Your general dissatisfaction was probably due to the cut more than the color.
I think you may be right. It’s taken me 2.5 years to get this far. I don’t want to quit without giving it a good try.